The COMPARISON CURE
THE SELF-LOVE JOURNEY WHY WE NEED TO STOP COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHERS
Oh, I wish I had her figure, I wish I had their job, I wish my relationship was as romantic as theirs. We’re all guilty of comparing ourselves to others in some way, shape or form and we know the destructive feelings that can come with it. You practically create for yourself unmet expectations on the spot. But it’s time to put a stop to these negative comparisons for the betterment of our mental health. So, how can we learn to be more appreciative of what we do have?
Complete confidence and selfacceptance doesn’t come overnight – plus, we totally get that it’s unrealistic to think you’ll never have any self-conscious moments. Yet, what we can do is notice those moments where we’re perhaps tearing ourselves down or feeling lesser than, and do our best to make that inner dialogue more positive.
“It would be bizarre to imagine that we are always delighted with what we do and how we are,” says Dr Amy Silver, psychologist and author of The Loudest Guest. “But I interpret self-love as compassion to self that runs almost above the self-talk narrative. It is our job to learn how to manage that and self-compassion. We cannot hate ourselves for having desire or emotions, even the difficult ones.”
Essentially, understanding your triggers and habits can help you identify when the comparison trap is in force.
“If [our self-talk] tells us that we must have the newest pair of runners so we fit in to the aspiration we have of our self-image or others’ expectations, this is something to be noticed, acknowledged and treated with self-compassion,” adds Dr Silver. “From there we can evaluate our desire and decide whether it will
actually achieve what we hope it would. Does it help our overall happiness? For how long? Getting closer to understanding how comparison perpetuates a circle of dissatisfaction (because it’s never over), can get us closer to understanding what really matters to us, what we have – not what we don’t have. Comparison is a habit we have developed that we can interrupt if we change our relationship with fear and learn to control it.”
MAKING THE CHANGE
So, we know we can learn to control comparison, but how exactly?
“Daily gratitude is an excellent mindset habit to adopt,” explains Claire Aristides, clinical hypnotherapist and founder of the Mindology app. “Gratitude releases dopamine, the happy hormone, and has a great way of switching our mindset from ‘we don’t have enough’ and ‘we aren’t good enough’ to ‘maybe it’s not all that bad after all.’”
Whenever you catch yourself wishing
for something else that tears down your self-esteem in the process, think of what it is that you do have and can be grateful for.
“Learning and understanding your values and purpose is also important if you want to self-develop and become more self-aware,” says Claire. “Really connecting with what makes you tick, what motivates you, and what brings you joy can help to clarify the direction and the choices you want to make. This can help you see that while what someone else is doing seems awesome, that might not be for you and that’s OK.”
HEALTHY COMPARISONS
Comparing yourself to others can actually be productive sometimes, explains Claire.
“[It] helps us identify what we want and don’t want – even at an unconscious level,” she says. “This is driven by the need to understand who we are, to understand our own identity and to be able to define ourselves. The comparison also helps us see how we’re doing – it helps us progress and become better.”