Generation XX

When you expect adopting a puppy to be a path to love, rather than poop.

Ithink Best Friend Forever is supposed to be cute. Dating, having a dog... what could possibly be unappealing about that? Well, my in-game dog has already pooped and tried to run away (in an idle window) while I’ve been typing and we’re only three sentences into this column. I’m using a dating app on which I can’t match with a single other person who doesn’t also have a ridiculous pet. This experience is making me glad I’m not single. And it’s making me resent my actual dog and his never-ending needs, which are interrupting my caring for this virtual dog!

OK, fine, the game is cute, but definitely in a grudging kind of a way. It’s like getting up at 6am to let your annoying labrador out for a wee, but he’s so happy to see you, you end up playing fetch for an hour instead of going back to bed. At one point, I had to mash the left mouse button to pat Cardigan (my ever cowering, in-game dog) while I was trying to have a first kiss with a cute guy. The timing was coincidental, but suspicious. My real-life dog, Ghost, does not like it when I kiss my husband, in preference to getting a pat, either.

So yes, I’m describing time-sensitive minigames that aim to keep you engaged with your furry pal. Click to pat, drag to dispose of poop, pull your dog away from jumping on others, and so on. Failure results in decreased doggy mood, which needs to be addressed at the end of each week, by shaking biscuits, waving a hose and all manner of (authentically) aggravating tasks. I did enjoy the minigames, though, especially when they collided comically with the narrative, like when I “accidentally” didn’t prevent Cardigan from pooping in the art gallery.

The writing is cheerful, enthusiastic and occasionally brilliant. Comedy seems mostly reserved for when you pick (obviously silly) third options, like deciding to interpret the vet’s invitation onto the examination bench as being for yourself, rather than your dog. Amazingly, and I’m not sure I mean this positively, much of the innuendo (you’d expect from a dating sim) is dog-related. There’s a scantily-clad figure skater who is really into bully sticks. For her dog. I hope. What’s a bully stick? Something I don’t ever want to witness Ghost tearing into ...

One of my favourite moments was when the guy with the service labrador (he’s either blind or with low vision) asked me if I trusted Cardigan. Cardigan, maybe, but I chose to answer, “Not if there’s food involved,” thinking about Ghost, who is mostly definitely NOT a service labrador. Oddly, although this game ‘gets’ dogs on some very deep levels, there are occasional, incongruous moments.

Also, given I went on a date to a fancy restaurant, with my dog (and after what happened at the art gallery), leaving one’s pet outside of anywhere seems unnecessary. In fact, I was surprised to find myself judging dates on how they treated their pet, which adds an interesting layer to the narrative. One person even said they thought their dog was cuter than mine. That’s astonishingly unattractive.

I finished the game not being sure if I’d actually romanced anyone. And, there were a couple of loose threads I was wondering if I could have investigated further. It’s quite replayable, given that vignettes are chosen, week to week, and you can’t see everything on a first try. Not surprisingly, given how naughty Ghost is, not to mention my previous dog, a wild border collie named Bob, Cardigan came dead last out of all the game’s pets, in every aspect of training. I imagine, if you want better results, you actually have to pay proper attention to poop.

The most annoying thing about Best Friend Forever is that I can no longer traipse around the block with Ghost and remain oblivious to how many random blokes I say ‘hello’ to on a daily basis. Maybe they all want to date me. That’s a terrifying thought. The most recent text I have on my phone is from a friend whose labrador (mortifyingly) jumped on a woman at the dog park and popped her puffer jacket. Can love really bloom, among the strewn stuffing of a stranger’s puffer jacket? May depend on how cute your puppy is, after the fact.