“The streams of traffic begin to clog”
The perils of town planning in MINI MOTORWAYS
TOM CHARNOCK
THIS MONTH
Destroyed an ancient woodland with a JCB. ALSO PLAYED Bad North, BallisticNG
The real hero of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy isn’t Arthur Dent, it’s the man from the council, Mr L Prosser. You know, the guy who tries to convince Arthur that the bypass absolutely needs to be built directly through the field where his house is currently – and inconveniently – standing.
In a way, Mini Motorways is a Mr Prosser simulator. Here I am, smashing great stretches of asphalt through green and pleasant swathes of serene countryside so the citizens of my ever-growing conurbation can get their gas-guzzling SUVs to the local hypermarket to buy stuff they don’t (presumably) need. As I lay yet another roundabout or gargantuan multi-laned highway with wanton abandon, my mind is cast back to childhood memories of The Animals of Farthing Wood; wildlife and idyllic pastures of tall grass and ancient woodlands obliterated by man’s (my) unquenchable thirst for growth. More roads, more SUVs, more dwellings, and more hypermarkets of corresponding colours that must be frequented by a public with cash to spend.
VEHICULAR CHOLESTEROL
Of course, the minimalist nature of Mini Motorways’ visuals means a lot of what you’ve just read is almost entirely the result of an over-active imagination, but as sure as night follows day – which it does, even in Mini Motorways’ tiny world – adding more intersections and boulevards to my growing concrete jungle feeds these arterial roads with more and more vehicles, for they are the lifeblood of this sprawl. But then disaster strikes. The free-flowing streams of traffic begin to clog, like vehicular cholesterol. More hypermarkets spring up. Across the river a new housing development appears… but alas I have no bridgebuilding capacity, so consumers sit idle. Queues are forming in and around the carparks of my hypermarkets and produce piles up, rotting on the shelves as I try to build more roads to alleviate the congestion. Regrettably, I find that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and this is a technological breakdown. With the hypermarkets unable to shift stock, roads congested and the serene countryside all but devoured, my city has shut down. Oh well.