DRAGON QUEST HEROES II
Don’t like it. Never tried it. Every month we force one of our team to play their most feared game
You’d struggle to find two things I know and care less about than Dragon Quest and Dynasty Warriors, so this mash-up is about as appealing to me as a fart in a lift even before I fire my PlayStation up. Now, a few hours in, I’m convinced it was created specifically to hurt me.
First, it renders me insensible with a parade of unbearably earnest cutscenes, in which living anime tropes burble at one another about a prophecy while a 32-year-old soundtrack plays loudly enough to almost-but-sadlynot-quite drown them out. Before I can regain my wits, I’m dumped into a battle against hundreds of goggle-eyed monsters. I’m sure each is intended to tickle my nostalgia gland, but as a newcomer they instead only inspire questions like “Why am I being attacked by a sentient storm cloud?”
In the midst of battle, the characters begin to talk out of my controller, as if I’m being haunted by the ghost of the English accent (which was thoroughly murdered in the opening cinematic). This appears to be a punishment for turning my TV’s volume down and trying to reduce my connection to the game. As I feared, my only means of interaction is dull button-mashing, scores of big-eyed foes meeting their end with each strained tap of r. Spells and abilities provide different lengthy visual flourishes to this dry act, though no discernible mechanical variety.
Ultimately, my fear that this is some sort of personal purgatory is confirmed when the game invites me to confess my sins in order to save and quit. With a blubbed admission of the various times I’ve broken the five-second rule, I end my time with Dragon Quest Heroes II. Later, concerned that it may still bear some stain of possession, I drive my controller all the way to the coast and throw it in the sea.
WHY AM I BEING ATTACKED BY A SENTIENT STORM CLOUD?