THE BINDING OF ISAAC: REBIRTH

Don’t like it. Never tried it. Every month we force one of our team to play their most feared game

Exactly what was it about the naked baby running from its fanatical, knife-wielding mother into a nightmare world of guts, blood, and excrement that put me off this game the first time round, eh? When it hit PS Plus a few years ago, the game’s gleeful baring of the ugliest sides of humanity instantly made me want to play something else instead. So I did.

But since then, all I’ve heard is praise. Some people – notably former OPM staffer Louise Blain – absolutely adore this game. So here I am again, fleeing into the basement.

Ah yes, it all comes flooding back like that time someone flushed the already-blocked office toilet. [ Thanks forthatmemory – ed] Within the first few minutes, I encounter a diseased heart thing for a boss, find a rotten baby which becomes my ‘friend’, and watch two bums taking turns to poo on Isaac in one of the interstitial nightmare animations. That’s… harrowing. Our hero then develops gigantism, sells his soul in exchange for a few hearts, and props open his eyes with matchsticks. A Clockwork Orange looks like Peppa Pig by comparison.

And still the humdingers come. A room with piles of poo in every corner? How lovely! Malformed, whimpering babies that are full of flies when they die? The Ambassador is spoiling us. And the blood-spewing wound in the chest of the ‘Vis’ enemy? I don’t care what the official line is, that thing is the very definition of ‘yonic’, and it’s really, really unsettling.

Now. I do stick with The Binding Of Isaac, and duly uncover the expertlydesigned game within. The constant variety is superb and I admit it is ‘good’. But I’d still rather play Enter The Gungeon. It gives me almost the same experience, only with zero poo. Bonus.

A CLOCKWORK ORANGE LOOKS LIKE PEPPA PIG BY COMPARISON.