DON’T MAKE ME PLAY! FIFA 17: THE JOURNEY

Don’t like it. Never tried it. Every month we force one of our team to play their most feared game

What can I say? I’m more into PES myself… okay, that’s a lie but perhaps I had you going for a trillionth of a second. Wouldn’t you know, somewhere between all the jokes about women not understanding the offside rule, an interest in football just never quite manifested. But then once upon a time I wasn’t one for shooters and now look at the Apex Legend I’ve become.

My point is, stranger things have happened – apparently, that would include EA putting an RPG inside a yearly sport title. Wee Alex Hunter probably showed a lot of promise before I entered the scene. But even as I fumble my way through this early match, dear old Dad’s reaction is disproportionate. As he storms off, I realise it’s all too late – this light dusting of human drama has reeled me in, hook, line, and sinker. On penalties, I give the ball such a soft touch that little Alex looks as though he’s about to pitch over. My tiny teammates insist that I “smashed it in” even though that’s definitely not what happened.

Seven years later, Alex and his bestie are staring down Exit Trials and a shot at a pro contract. After failing spectacularly and seeing the disappointment in the dead-eyed gaze of onlookers whose character models have aged worse than you’d think for a four-year-old game, I’m determined to make this plucky young Clapham teen’s dreams come true. An early, supremely lucky goal lets me scrape into the top ten when all is said and done. Mum’s elated. Get in!

Unfortunately, invested as I am in Alex’s success and choosing all of the fiery dialogue options, this is still a football game – and boy do things drag when the story leaves for minutes at a time. It’s an early bath for me.

IT’S ALL TOO LATE THIS LIGHT DUSTING OF HUMAN DRAMA HAS REELED ME IN.

INFO WHAT? PUB EA SPORTS DEV EA VANCOUVER RELEASED 2016, PS4 GET IT NOW PS STORE £17.99 FIFA 17 introduced a single-player story mode, The Journey. Follow Alex Hunter as he goes from wee bairn to pro player, amassing skill points and spicy dialogue options along the way.

In the grand scheme of game narrative, it’s a light touch. But performances from the likes of Adetomiwa Edun and a score by Atticus Ross sell the cinematic fantasy.

WHO? Jess Kinghorn loves running and shooting in Apex Legends – so surely FIFA would be right up her alley. Unfortunately, she’d sooner punt the game box than do anything sportadjacent.