I am a 45-yearold woman married to my second husband. In February he told me he’d been unhappy for a long time and wanted his freedom.
This was prefaced by my finding emails to him – of a more than friendly nature – from more than one woman.
I confronted him and he said he was just having fun and “a lot of these women think they are in love with me”.
I found the emails while I was at home recuperating after a hysterectomy in January. After that there was no turning things around.
I got him to go to a marriage counsellor just once.
He told numerous halftruths about our married life, then left in a hurry saying he didn’t need another appointment.
He moved his things downstairs, but he hasn’t slept there.
At first, he said he stayed upstairs because he’d heard me crying and couldn’t stand it.
No sex, but we sleep together like always, most nights wrapped around each other.
We are also having a bad time financially, though I’ve tried my hardest to remedy that.
We’re selling the house, and I’ve put a deposit on a mobile home for myself. He wants to live apart.
Two months ago he bought a ticket to the US to go and have a good time.
I think the reality of getting a place of my own has affected him, but there has been no overt move toward reconciliation.
He knows I love him
– I tell him at least once a day.
But he has a separate bank account and his mail goes to a PO box.
He sold his Lexus and is driving a heap of junk. He spends most of his time at home on his laptop, and I can no longer see his contacts.
Our house is on the market next week, but he’ll be away for four days, leaving the cleaning and organising to me.
He offered to help me move, pay for my car, and not divorce me because I would lose his insurance coverage. So here we are.
I still have hope in my heart that he will come to his senses before it is too late.
I’ve tried being strong … and begging and pleading.
Oh – he also says it’s not me, it’s him.
What are your thoughts on this mess?
Wendie Wendie, when he says it’s him, believe him – he’s confessing that his feelings for you are not strong enough to keep him in your marriage.
He is so certain of that, he won’t let some counsellor try to change his mind.
It’s simply the way he feels.
You can’t talk people out of their feelings. If you could, they could talk you out of yours.
Who is more in the right?
You for wanting him to stay? Or him for admitting, once you caught him, that he is looking for someone else to be in love with?
You can’t be happy forcing a man to stay against his will.
There must be a connection both ways.
People want to blame the internet, Facebook and dating sites for breaking up relationships.
But all the internet did was shine a light on all the people in broken relationships looking for the real deal.
There is no begging or pleading in love. That’s adversarial.
Though you’re willing to settle for his physical presence over love, if he doesn’t love you, he is not present.
So, what’s the point?
Wayne & Tamara