di­rect an­swers

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I am a 45-yearold woman mar­ried to my sec­ond hus­band. In Fe­bru­ary he told me he’d been un­happy for a long time and wanted his free­dom.

This was pref­aced by my finding emails to him – of a more than friendly na­ture – from more than one woman.

I con­fronted him and he said he was just hav­ing fun and “a lot of these women think they are in love with me”.

I found the emails while I was at home re­cu­per­at­ing af­ter a hys­terec­tomy in Jan­uary. Af­ter that there was no turn­ing things around.

I got him to go to a mar­riage coun­sel­lor just once.

He told nu­mer­ous halftruths about our mar­ried life, then left in a hurry say­ing he didn’t need an­other ap­point­ment.

He moved his things down­stairs, but he hasn’t slept there.

At first, he said he stayed up­stairs be­cause he’d heard me cry­ing and couldn’t stand it.

No sex, but we sleep to­gether like al­ways, most nights wrapped around each other.

We are also hav­ing a bad time fi­nan­cially, though I’ve tried my hardest to rem­edy that.

We’re sell­ing the house, and I’ve put a deposit on a mo­bile home for my­self. He wants to live apart.

Two months ago he bought a ticket to the US to go and have a good time.

I think the re­al­ity of get­ting a place of my own has af­fected him, but there has been no overt move to­ward rec­on­cil­i­a­tion.

He knows I love him

– I tell him at least once a day.

But he has a sep­a­rate bank ac­count and his mail goes to a PO box.

He sold his Lexus and is driv­ing a heap of junk. He spends most of his time at home on his lap­top, and I can no longer see his con­tacts.

Our house is on the mar­ket next week, but he’ll be away for four days, leav­ing the clean­ing and or­gan­is­ing to me.

He of­fered to help me move, pay for my car, and not di­vorce me be­cause I would lose his in­sur­ance cov­er­age. So here we are.

I still have hope in my heart that he will come to his senses be­fore it is too late.

I’ve tried be­ing strong … and beg­ging and plead­ing.

Oh – he also says it’s not me, it’s him.

What are your thoughts on this mess?

Wendie Wendie, when he says it’s him, be­lieve him – he’s con­fess­ing that his feel­ings for you are not strong enough to keep him in your mar­riage.

He is so cer­tain of that, he won’t let some coun­sel­lor try to change his mind.

It’s sim­ply the way he feels.

You can’t talk peo­ple out of their feel­ings. If you could, they could talk you out of yours.

Who is more in the right?

You for want­ing him to stay? Or him for ad­mit­ting, once you caught him, that he is look­ing for some­one else to be in love with?

You can’t be happy forc­ing a man to stay against his will.

There must be a con­nec­tion both ways.

Peo­ple want to blame the in­ter­net, Face­book and dat­ing sites for break­ing up re­la­tion­ships.

But all the in­ter­net did was shine a light on all the peo­ple in bro­ken re­la­tion­ships look­ing for the real deal.

There is no beg­ging or plead­ing in love. That’s ad­ver­sar­ial.

Though you’re will­ing to set­tle for his phys­i­cal pres­ence over love, if he doesn’t love you, he is not present.

So, what’s the point?

Wayne & Ta­mara

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