with GABRIEL TABASCO
Businessmen or tradies: which is your preference? I personally cannot decide between them and no matter how I much oogle them or fantasise over them, I am still no closer on deciding which of these two types of men I prefer. To come to a decision I examine the evidence…
I often end up sitting opposite a businessman or two on the train on the way to work. Sitting crossed-legged, their socks, emerging from their polished shoes are the only bright colours on them (apart from their blue and yellow polka dot boxers tucked away under their suit. I can image businessmen's underwear being as silly as they are serious).
Young or old all businessmen seem to posses a hurried air, as if they have somewhere important to be and cannot get there soon enough. Whether rushing off to a meeting or walking confidently through the CBD to get their morning coffee, businessmen are always clad in figure-hugging suits. Their buttocks are encased in their tight pants that delightfully reveal the shape of their bottom as they stride along or bend over to pick up their briefcase. Whatever the body type of the businessman, whether he is the muscular Iron Man competitor with five o'clock stubble, the skinny new graduate or the tubby married man, their freshly-pressed white shirts make them ripe for ripping open.
Even dull businessmen seem sexy. Over dinner one night, one family friend, dressed in a cardigan, droned on about his job that sounded as boring as he was. I listened to him talk about strategy and ‘getting to the bottom line' but all I could think about was getting him to my bottom line. A few years later I managed to seduce him, feeling victorious at having bagged a boring businessman. Sitting on him naked, I rocked back and forth while riding his cock, as he remained fully clothed, still wearing his businessman's cardigan. But that's for another story…
Whereas the Village People had a tradesman among their group that included, among others, a fireman, a cowboy and a sailor, they did not feature a businessman. However nowadays businessmen have become such a hot sexual fantasy that one porn site specialises exclusively in that genre: porn stars dressed, or undressed, as businessmen wearing only long black socks and a shirt and tie while being naked from the waist down. Bent over their desk they are ravished by one or more men. If only the corporate world were really that thrilling, that a conference call was succeeded by a conference call-boy or that a 360-degree assessment was something physical.
On the other end of the spectrum are tradesmen, who are the antitheses of businessmen. Tradies are gruff, wear next to nothing, are covered in dirt and do ‘real work' like build and fix things. All tradies seem sexy: from the ones working in construction, with flecks of mud on their legs to the electricians who come to your home with a buzz-cut, tattoos down their arms and neatly-trimmed beards.
What makes a tradie sexy? Could it be the neon vests they wear? Or the tight t-shirts revealing their bulging biceps? Maybe it's the tool belt, which if possible, would be the only thing they should be wearing… along with the hardhat… for safety purposes of course. Or is it the socks that peak up from their boots that makes them sexy. No… it must be those legs, emerging out of their shorts.
Compared to Europe and especially to the US, Aussie tradies wear incredibly short shorts. Perhaps having to wear such tiny shorts is a union thing. Aussie tradies seem all the happier to wear next to nothing while at work. Not that anyone is complaining. Maybe they live by the mantra of ‘less is more' and know that showing more skin can only add to their allure.
I bet everyone reading this has allowed their eyes to make their way up from a tradie's boots to the end of his short shorts in the hope that they could catch a glimpse of his balls swaying just below the opening of the shorts.
I always wondered what would happen if a tradie popped a boner. A businessman with an erection could hid it under his desk while pretending to work on his pie charts but what does a tradie do with his erection especially since he is outdoors, in public, surrounded by other men and wearing very small shorts. If any tradie can answer that question then please email me at [email protected] gmail.com and I will publish the answers in the following month's column.
While a businessman has a slick demeanour, and is primed and clean-cut, a tradie is gruff, messy and informal. You shower with a businessman before work and you shower with a tradie after work. Both differences are appealing.
A businessman shows off his testosterone by thriving on workplace pressure and answering tough questions from the Board of Directors. Strutting his stuff in the glass-walled meeting room, showing off the curve of his ass in his tight pants, he whips out his… Power Point slides…. and shows the relevant stakeholders just why he is the hunk-de-jour. You will only see such corporate machismo from a businessman than say, a retail manager or a barista (no offence guys).
By contrast a tradie displays his manliness through his sheer strength; by lifting, moving or crushing heavy objects. He works by creating things, putting things together or fixing things. A tradesman's sexiness lies in his relaxed attitude, and unlike a businessman, he can get his job done by flexing his muscles and making a dirty joke while showing off his toned legs.
If it came down to it which one of these two titans of machismo win? The tradie or the businessman? In an arm-wrestling match the tradie would win. For the setting to a romantic dinner and date the businessman would win. If we take out a ruler and measure who has the bigger penis? Hmmm… I leave that research to you…