Q support: STILL SIX LIVES

Gemma and Yen on losing their long-awaited, precious baby: “We worried that life might continue as though the best part of us had never existed.”

After several rounds of IVF, Gemma and her partner, Yen, were grateful to finally fall pregnant with their precious baby, Jin. But despite Gemma's smooth pregnancy, at 27 weeks the Canberra-based couple received the devastating news that Jin had no heartbeat.

Gemma said: “As a same sex couple, we always knew I would carry our baby. I was older than Yen, and I was ready to grow my body around our child, to change and mould myself to motherhood. At the beginning of our IVF journey, we decided to use an Asian donor so our baby would look more like their non-birth parent and feel a deep sense of belonging to our extended family. For the same reason, it was important to give our baby a Chinese name. Our first round of IVF had resulted in two miscarriages. The next round gave us no good eggs, and no good reason why. In the doctor's office, he pointed to a picture of my insides – the very minimal endometriosis sitting in my gut – and shrugged. We still didn't know what was happening, but we agreed to try one more time. I was determined, even with a blood clotting disorder that meant my pregnancy, whenever it happened, would be risky and full of specialists.”

Given the challenges of their journey to become parents so far, Gemma and Yen were overjoyed to fall pregnant.

“The pregnancy was smooth. I held my breath at every scan, but Jin's heart was always beating, his tiny body twisting around within me. We were sitting in a waiting room when we chose Jin's name. We were waiting, for what felt like the millionth time, to see our fertility specialist. We passed the time by pondering over the ever-growing list of names we could give the baby we would one day meet. As soon as I heard Yen's suggestion of Jin, the rest of the list melted away. It was perfect.”

Gemma is sharing her story in support of Still Six Lives, a national initiative to educate Australians on the prevalence of stillbirth across the nation and to empower communities with knowledge that could help save an unborn life.

“On one Saturday morning in November, I woke up and Jin felt heavy and still. We went to the hospital and found out that Jin, probably some time the night before, had passed away. Jin lived within me for 27 weeks. For 174 days, I felt him in my body, growing, changing, becoming.”

Every day in Australia, six babies are stillborn; over 2,000 families are touched by this tragedy every single year.

“I had always imagined that announcing my baby's name to the world would be a joyous affair, a celebration of life to come. Instead, we announced our baby's passing in the same breath.”

The rate of stillbirth in Australia has remained unchanged for 20 years and is one of the worst in the developed world. Still Six Lives has been developed to help reduce the risk of stillbirths through education by encouraging the adoption of three simple behaviours.

“We kept Jin's name a secret. Even between the two of us, we called him ‘the bean'. For months, we had been too scared to give him his name, in case we jinxed the pregnancy. “Sometimes, when I was alone in the shower, I used to sing to Jin and whisper the name into the rush of the water.”

While not every stillbirth is preventable, there are ways to reduce the risk that are not widely known to Australians. Expectant mothers should quit smoking and avoid second-hand smoke. Family members and loved ones can support the pregnancy journey by also quitting smoking.

All throughout pregnancy, it's vital pregnant women monitor their baby's regular pattern of movement. If any changes are noticed, a maternity care professional should be contacted immediately. Lastly, pregnant women should sleep on their side after 28 weeks of pregnancy.

“In death, we worried that Jin had changed from a baby to a problem, a thing to be removed and fixed. We worried that life might continue as though our precious secret, the best part of us, had never existed. As we handed over his name, first to the midwives, then to our friends and family, we felt his personhood return. Jin was real and he was so deeply loved. While I laboured and brought our beautiful Jin into the world, his grandmother gifted us with Chinese characters and a meaning for his name.

“'It means,' she told us, 'The place where the mountains meet the water.' “

Funded by the Federal Government, Still Six Lives is delivered by a consortium of established Australian organisations. Each focused on supporting families through pregnancy and pregnancy loss, the group includes Red Nose, including SANDS (Stillbirth and Newborn Death Support), Stillbirth Foundation Australia and Stillbirth Centre of Research Excellence.

For more information and support, visit https://preventstillbirth.org.au