Party politics
Anyone who expects peace on earth and goodwill to all men hasn’t tried to organise the office Christmas do. Paul Connolly investigates.
by now you’ve seen the office-wide email or the lurid flyer in the tearoom alerting you (“yay”!) to the impending company Christmas party.
For many, it’s exciting news. After all, isn’t it lovely to celebrate a successful working year with colleagues in an informal atmosphere? For others, it’s as anxiety-provoking as word that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have been spotted getting into the lobby lift.
It’s such a tricky thing to get right – you have to feel for the social committee. How do you organise a festive event that a) will please everyone; b) won’t be achingly dull; and c) isn’t so wild it attracts lawsuits or the attention of the Australian Federal Police’s Specialist Response Group? (You know when partygoers see floating red laser dots on their chests that things have got out of hand.)
One thing is certain: the days of the office bacchanalia, after which few workmates could look each other in the eye, are over. And they should be. It’s why you get those emails from management reminding staff to have fun but not too much fun: “Please remember, this is an extension of the work environment and professional behaviour is expected. This means you, too, Gavin. Codpieces are not professional attire.”
Thankfully, despite the pressure, most workplaces manage to put on some kind of end-of-year knees-up. Some book fancy venues, others hire Spiros the spit-roast bloke; some make it a glamorous evening soirée, others a lunchtime spot of lawn bowls; some pay for everything, others ask you to bring a plate and your own drinks.
However it plays, you will inevitably be confronted with socially demanding situations. If you want to stay employed or, in the case of management, keep your staff on side, here are a few things to keep in mind: ◖ Every drink you have reduces your odds of getting that promotion or a pay rise in the following 12 months by about five per cent. Of course, every drink you don’t have can make the duration of the party seem five per cent longer. Management seldom mix socially with staff so if you find yourself in unfamiliar company, steer clear of potential flash points such as politics, religion, sport, relationships, immigration, gun laws, sexuality and gender, pineapple on pizza, millennials and soup (is it really a meal?). Clouds are a safe option so go with them: “What’s your favourite cloud, ahhhh, Tracey? Bit partial to an altostratus myself.”
Always carry two drinks, not necessarily alcoholic. That way, if you get caught in awkward company you have an out: “Sorry, got to dash this drink off to Suze. She’ll be getting impatient. You know what Suze is like!”
If there’s dancing, ask yourself this before joining in: am I more John Travolta or Theresa May? If the latter, consider how you’ll feel being a meme. Commenting on the appearance of a colleague is risky and best avoided. If you must say something about looks, comment on your own: “I hope you don’t mind me saying so but don’t
I look wonderful tonight?”
And finally, on the eve of this year’s office Christmas party, remember what Confucius (or was it Band Aid’s Paul Young?) once said, “It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid.”