Relationship Advice

Monica Karpinski

Q: I’ve just started dating someone new and recently went to his house for the first time. He is 61, I’m 58. His house was absolutely filthy! Dishes everywhere, food left out, everything. I didn’t say anything but this will be a dealbreaker for me if this is how he wants to live. Should I bring it up or move on? - Maria

A: How someone keeps their personal space is their choice, but when you're in a relationship there comes a point where their habits become a part of your life, too. So, you are within your rights to bring it up, especially if their space doesn't meet basic hygiene standards—and from your question, this sounds like it's what you're dealing with.

But if your gripe is more of a moral judgement based on your personal criteria for how clean a home should be, hold fire. You aren't entitled to tell someone you don't live with how they should arrange their space, so I'd suggest reflecting on why this is bothering you so much before you decide to have the chat.

You've mentioned that this issue could be a dealbreaker for you.

Bringing it up may then be the only way you can resolve your concerns— so this is probably best if you want to give things between you a chance.

During the talk, try not to be too critical. If they get defensive then the conversation likely won't go anywhere useful. Bear in mind as well that there may be a deeper reason behind the mess, such as mental health struggles or coping with a personal tragedy.

Instead, talk about your concerns and how being in their space makes you feel. This helps to frame the discussion as a problem you want to solve because you want it to work between you.

For example: “The stacks of dirty dishes are putting me on edge, and it makes me not want to come over. Can we work out a solution?”

Give them a chance to respond, understanding that it can take time for people to change and that all relationships take compromise. It's up to you how much you're willing to give—and put up with.

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