Laughter, the Best Medicine
THE BEST MEDICINE
HOOK, LINE AND SINKER
Two men have been ice fishing all day. One has no luck, while the other has pulled out a tonne of fish.
“What’s your secret?” asks the unlucky fisherman.
“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply. “I’m sorry; what did you say?” “Mmmmm mmm mm mmm.” “I still don’t understand you.”
The lucky fisherman spits something into his hand and says slowly and clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”
PLURALITY
A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose”, then “two mongooses”. Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send me another one.”
SUBMITTED BY M.S.
WON’T HOLD WATER
Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the Earth for four billion years… but now it’s ruined? FINNISH COMEDIAN
ISMO LEIKOLA
QUICK QUIPS
Q: What do you call twin policemen? A: Copies.
SUBMITTED BY CHARLOTTE PRIMROSE Q: How do you make a lawyer smile for a photo? A: Say “fees”.
SUBMITTED BY LUCY ROBINSON
HIPSTER BASHING
Everyone knows hipsters are like human bedbugs. You see one, there are probably 40 more under your bed, judging your music.
DAN SODER
FUNNY MONEY
As my Dad used to say: “Money – you can’t take it with you.” Which led to some pretty boring holidays.
MARK WATSON
THOSE WERE THE DAYS...
An elderly man is reminiscing to his grandson about the good old days. “When I was your age,” he says, “my mum could send me to a shop with a single dollar, and I would bring back five kilos of potatoes, two loaves of bread, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and ten eggs. Nowadays, that’s impossible – there are simply too many security cameras.”
Seen on the internet
NOTHING TO SNEEZE ABOUT
I was walking along the other day, and on the road I saw a small, dead, baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief.
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS My wife said she wanted a “fairytale romance”. So I’ve locked her
in a tower.
@TONYCOWARDS ON TWITTER I’ve never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it “don’t let horses perform medical procedures”?
RICKY GERVAIS
MILTON JONES