All in a Day’s Work

RAIN CHECK

My husband was leaving a restaurant just as it began to rain. Forgetting that he hadn’t brought an umbrella, he reached for the nearest one as he headed for the door. “That’s my umbrella,” a woman scolded.

Embarrassed, he hurried off to work. Once there, he discovered three umbrellas that he had left at the office over the months and decided to bring them home at the end of the day.

That afternoon, he ran into the woman from the restaurant. She took one look at the umbrellas and remarked, “You did real well for yourself today, didn’t you?”

BOOK YOUR SICK DAYS NOW

Before I could enrol in my company’s medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance. One question asked, “Do you think you may need to go to the emergency department within the next three months?” SUBMITTED BY HAIFENG JI

THE LONE PUNMAN

The note I left on my student’s high school test said: “Please look up the meanings of suppository and depository.” It was in response to a question he’d answered concerning where Lee Harvey Oswald was when he assassinated President Kennedy. SUBMITTED BY KAREN SKOPHAMMER

DEPTH CHARGE

I asked my dad, a Navy guy, how far from land his ship was while on the ocean. “We were always just a few kilometres from land,” he said. “Straight down.” SUBMITTED BY PAUL TRUSH

KEEP ON GIVING

During my annual check-up, the nurse took blood from my right arm. When she was done, she began taking blood from my left arm.

“Excuse me, were you not able to get what you need from my right arm?” I asked.

“Oh, no, we got plenty,” said the nurse in charge. “The nurse is a trainee and needs the practice.” SUBMITTED BY RAYMOND BREAU

CHIP OFF THE OLD WRITER’S BLOCK

I’d recently written an academic book, which my six-year-old son asked to see. I handed him a copy and he carefully examined the pages. When he was done he closed the book and, looking perplexed, asked, “Dad, do you understand any of this?” SUBMITTED BY TANNI HAAS

HOT DOG

“What should I do?” yelled a panicked client to the receptionist at our veterinarian’s office. “My dog just ate two bags of unpopped popcorn!”

Clearly not as alarmed as the worried pet owner, the receptionist responded coolly, “Well, the first thing I would do is keep him out of the sun.” SUBMITTED BY BRENDA SHIPLEY

FROM THE HIP

As a student nurse, I had to give an injection to a 79-year-old male patient. I asked which hip he preferred the shot in. He wanted to know if he really had a choice. I told him he did. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “Yours!” SUBMITTED BY KAY NYLAND

A TRUE SURVIVOR

A new patient handed me her medical history form. Under past traumas, she’d written: “Married twice.”

“Yes, I’ve got something to write on. Go ahead and give me the recipe.”

SUBMITTED BY AMY WRIGHT BRILL