The Great Tweet-off: Spousal Edition

‘Wedded bliss’ appears to be a term that has no meaning on Twitter …

My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries. @CHARLIEDEMERS

WIFE: We need milk, eggs and bread. Write it down. ME: No need. I’ll remember. [An hour later] WIFE: What did you buy? ME: A panda. @XPLODINGUNICORN

Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don’t have to take it out. @IAN_MENDES

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life. @STELLAGMADDOX The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences. She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts, too. @THEALEXNEVIL