All in a Day’s Work
LICENSED TO WISECRACK
Driving across California, we stopped at a red light in a beautiful old western town. As I admired the elegant storefronts and beautiful scenery, I didn’t notice that the lights had turned green and back to red again. It was then that a police officer tapped on my window and said, “That’s all the colours we got here.” SUBMITTED BY YEFIM PRODD
ANCIENT HISTORY
Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past and present tenses with my English class, I posed the question: “‘ I am beautiful’ is what tense?”
One student raised her hand. “Past tense.” SUBMITTED BY REEMA RAHAT
ALL PART OF THE SERVICE
Some friends joined my husband and me in a café. Everyone ordered regular coffee except for Joe, who asked for decaf. The waitress returned a few minutes later and set all the coffees down on the table. “Which one’s decaf?” Joe asked. The waitress picked up a cup, took a sip and said, “This one.” SUBMITTED BY LAURA METTI
WELCOME TO HYPHEN NATION
Working in the training section of a government department, I organised a team-building exercise about resolving conflict between management and staff. Employees were asked to think about the subject and jot down keywords on a flip chart. One participant complained about the management’s tendency to interfere and wrote, “nitpicking”.
Jumping to his feet, one of the managers queried, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between ‘nit’ and ‘picking’?” SUBMITTED BY E. HOWSON
YOU DON’T SAY
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness? ME: I’m vague. INTERVIEWER: Can you elaborate? ME: Yeah. @PATMORRISON22 ON TWITTER
ESPRESSO SHOWER
A DIY expert on one of those homeimprovement TV shows suggested putting coffee granules into pale beige paint to give it a ‘kick’. Indeed, on the wall he painted it looked lovely, so I decided to give it a try.
My wall looked great, but there was a catch. The room I’d painted was the bathroom – and I had probably used too many granules. For weeks afterwards, whenever we took a shower the steam condensed on the wall, sweated out the additive, and thick black coffee ran down on to the floor. SUBMITTED BY GLORIA LEWIS
DESTROY IT YOURSELF
When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $125 for such cleanings, he told me I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candour, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”