All in a Day’s Work

HUMOUR ON THE JOB

SHORTEST FICTION My creative writing class was tasked with writing an essay using as few words as possible but containing four elements – religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The winning essay came from one man who wrote this: “‘My God,’ said the queen. ‘I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?’ ” SUBMITTED BY MICHAELA BRYN

BIRDS OF A FEATHER My daughter-in-law works in the shop at a zoo. One day a father came to the counter with his young son and a stuffed toy bird. He asked if the bird came in blue because he didn’t want his son buying something pink as it was too ‘girlish’.

My daughter-in-law told him that it only came in pink and the annoyed father protested, “Why?”

She replied patiently, “Because it’s a flamingo.” SUBMITTED BY LORETTA JENKINS

SCHOOLED During a conference, my high school principal insulted my immigrant mother’s English. Mum didn’t get upset. Instead, she smiled politely as she delivered this punch to the gut: “I’m sorry. Sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages I speak.” Seen on Reddit

PIE EYED At his annual physical, my neighbour Jim was asked, “Are you eating plenty of fruit and vegetables?”

“I ate eight apples yesterday,” he replied.

“You did?” asked the doctor.

“Yes. That’s how many it took to make the apple pie.” SUBMITTED BY ROBERT ARTKOWSKY

OBJECTION! Lawyers may have gone to university, but their education hasn’t stopped them from asking these bizarre questions of witnesses in court:

■ Was it you or your brother who was killed?

■ How many times have you committed suicide?

■ Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.

■ Were you alone or by yourself?

■ Now, Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

■ Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Source: The Dumb Book (RD Books)