All in a Day’s Work

NOT HOW IT WORKS My ultrasound technician told me about a colleague’s patient. Her doctor had told her she might be having twins, and the young mother-to-be seemed anxious. But at the exam, the technician assured her, “You’re not having twins. There’s only one baby in there.”

The young woman sighed with relief. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I really don’t think I could have stood being pregnant for 18 months.” SUBMITTED BY KAREN PELHAM O’STEEN TIMELY RETORT I went to the printers the other day and was asked when I needed the work completed by. Knowing she would have heard it a hundred times before, I quipped to the cashier, “I suppose to ask for it by yesterday would be too much?”

Without a glimmer of a smile she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Certainly, sir. If you come in yesterday I’ll have it ready for you.” SUBMITTED BY MARTIN DODD

SHORT-HANDED These bizarre excerpts from medical charts will make you think twice about getting sick: ■ Patient will need rehab upon disposal. ■ He remained in stale condition. ■ He is allergic to wives. ■ Patient’s height is 1 foot & 79 inches. ■ Patient did, in fact, have a left lower extremity. ■ Her mood was 3 x 9 = 27 plus 1 is 28.

FANCY NAMES Manufacturers often give shower curtains ethereal names such as Anastasia, Summer Mist and even Cambridge. One day, a customer walked into our home-furnishings shop while I was inputting an order for shower curtains. “Excuse me,” he said. “Do you have Sunday Hours?”

I looked up from my computer and said, “Can you tell me what the pattern looks like?”

“Let me rephrase,” he said. “Are you open on Sundays?” SUBMITTED BY PETE HOELSCHER EXTREMELY SENIOR MOMENTS IN SCIENCE ■ In 2004, a NASA probe was returning to Earth after collecting solar particles. As it re-entered the upper atmosphere, rapid deceleration was supposed to trigger the deployment of two parachutes, allowing the probe to gently float back to terra firma. Instead, the capsule slammed into the Utah desert after the parachutes failed to open. It turned out the deceleration sensors had been installed upside down. ■ Astronomers using an Australian radio telescope believed they might have discovered evidence of alien life when they picked up a distinctive signal at the same time every day. Seventeen years later, in 2015, they learned its source: the signal was coming from a microwave oven used by staff members to heat up their lunches. SOURCE: 1 , 000 UNFORGETTABLE SENIOR MOMENTS: OF WHICH WE COULD REMEMBER ONLY 254, BY TOM FRIEDMAN GENDER SWAP A friend’s son worked at a fast-food restaurant. One night while he was manning the drive-through, a customer told him that the intercom wasn’t working properly. My friend’s son went about filling the order while a female colleague fiddled with the intercom. She asked, “Is that OK now?”

“Well, no,” the customer said. “Now you sound like a girl.” SOURCE: GCFL. NET IDIOTS AT THE TOP Check out these four quotes from bosses that will leave you thinking, “Hey, I can be a boss, too!” ■ “We’re going to treat this as being required but not mandatory.” ■ “Wait, is the internet on?” ■ “Don’t send information; it just confuses me.” ■ “It’s one of those chicken-before-thehorse things.” SOURCE: OVERHEARDINTHEOFFICE. COM