BREAK FREE FROM REGRET

Six steps to turn negative emotions into action

Have you ever felt like life would be better if you had taken a different path? If only you had pursued that job, ended that relationship sooner or moved to a new city, everything would be perfect. It’s human nature to linger on feelings of regret. Left unchecked, these emotions can become overwhelming sources of stress and anxiety.

But even painful emotions like regret can be powerful sources of inspiration. It’s possible to use those “If only I …” thoughts as a lever to help you move ahead.

Researchers have found that obsessing over regrets has a negative impact on mood and sleep, can increase impulsivity, and can be a risk factor for binge eating and misusing alcohol.

As a clinical psychologist, I help people lead healthy, happy and meaningful lives by teaching them evidence-based strategies to manage their emotions. When people feel stuck in endless ‘what ifs’, it’s possible to recalibrate. Here’s how.

1 ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR REGRETS

Many of us try to push pain away. But research has shown that suppressing our emotions can diminish our capacity for joy and potentially manifest as physical pain.

A 2014 study published in The

Journal of General Psychology found that drowning in regret can compromise our ability to make wise decisions, and focusing on those negat ive emot ions “undermined performance” on simple tasks.

So instead of ignoring your regrets or ruminating about perceived mistakes, acknowledge the experience. Start by slowing down and noticing your thoughts and sensations. Relax your face and hands, and think about accepting how you feel now without worrying you’ll feel this way forever.

Researchers also found that when people find a silver lining in their regret, they are able to think more clearly.

“The trick is to avoid obsessing and pull out a lesson that can be applied

in future situat ions,” says Neal Roese, a professor of marketing, who focuses on the psychology of judgment and decision-making.

Take time to notice how you handled a recent regret. Did you pretend it meant less than it did? Or did you fall into a shame spiral? Once you figure out how you navigate these situations, you can start using your emotions to your advantage.

2 INTERRUPT YOUR OBSESSING

It’s important to learn how to stop a regret spiral from happening, since thinking endlessly about it all but guarantees you’ll feel worse.

You should develop a set of concrete actions that will engage you when you can feel yourself about to fall into a regret spiral. The goal is to stop this type of thinking before it consumes your energy.

You could list your favourite authors in alphabetical order. When your mind is focused on a project, it’s less likely to get derailed. Another idea: if you feel the grip of strong emotions, dip your face in ice water.

“People become believers in this strategy once they get past the idea of plunging forwards into a bowl of ice water,” says Dr Kathryn Korslund, an expert in dialectical behaviour therapy, a treatment that teaches people how to manage emotions. She says that it works by lowering your body temperature and heart rate, preventing emotions from intensifying.

If that seems too jarring, pop an ice cube in your mouth and focus on the sensations.

These activities aren’t meant to be a permanent solution. The goal is to regulate your emotions for a few minutes to then approach your situation with a little more clarity.

3 REVISIT YOUR REGRET

In the same study that found regret hinders our ability to solve problems, participants were asked to read the following statements and recall at

least one benefit from a regrettable event:

● Everything can be viewed from a different perspective.

● There is positive value in every experience. Afterwards, participants showed ‘improved subsequent performance’ on the same tasks they completed before finding the silver lining.

Focusing on what you gained can help you pivot from the negative impacts of regret. And keep in mind that so much of your regret story is just that: a story. Researchers label regretful ‘if only’ stories as counterfactual thinking, since it’s impossible to know how things would have turned out had you made a different choice.

4 TREAT YOURSELF WITH COMPASSION

Researchers at University of California, Berkeley, asked 400 students to write about their biggest regrets and found that self-compassion, and not beating ourselves up ‘spurs positive adjustment in the face of regrets’.

This “self-compassion led to greater personal improvement, in part, through heightened acceptance,” the researchers wrote, adding that “forgiveness stems from situating one’s shortcomings or failures – such as a regret experience – as a part of the common human experience.”

Imagine your mentor talking you down from a spell of regret. Would she focus on everything you did wrong? Or would she encourage you to find the tangible, practical lessons you can learn from the experience?

When all else fails: just talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend.

5 CLARIFY WHAT MATTERS

When you feel profound regret, use the emotion as a springboard to examine what truly is important to you.

One of my cl ients came to see me af ter feeling guilty about how

angrily she speaks to people. Together, we utilised her remorse to pinpoint the virtues she most cherishes – “I care about being nice rather than being right” was one – since focusing on the damage already done wouldn’t do her or her relationships any good.

Ask yourself why you feel such profound regret, and work backwards to identify the values that are tied up in your feelings. Then use that as motivation for personal growth.

6 TAKE ACTION

Kintsugi which means ‘golden joinery’, is a Japanese technique of repairing broken pottery derived from Buddhist philosophy. The reparation process highlights an item’s imperfections, which are considered part of its history. Repairing pottery this way can add to its beauty – traditional kintsugi often uses gold or silver to fix the cracks.

Make a list of regrets, large and small, then brainstorm exactly how to take steps to remedy whatever is haunting you. The ultimate cure for anticipating regret isn’t feeling lousy or overthinking. It’s thoughtfully pursuing solutions, and using the wisdom gained through self-reflection to act.