SORRY I'M LATE

Hey! Sorry, but I’m running a bit late. I’m heading out the door right now, I promise. I just need to get out of bed, shower really quickly, and then stare at my cupboard for ten minutes while I air-dry. Five minutes out, I swear. I just need to paint my room. It’ll take, like, three minutes, tops.

Around the corner! Just have to pop into a bookstore to buy and then read

The Goldfinch. I never got around to it, and I heard it was really good. No spoilers. :)

Ah! I’m on my way. I had to perform an exorcism on my neighbour’s dog. I think it’s one of those golden retriever- poodle mixes. Anyway, she had a demon from hell inside of her, so what else could I do — am I right?! Literally crossing the street now. I had to stop for a snack. I was craving an apple, so I went to an orchard just outside town. I’ll tell you all about it when I get there, which is going to be very soon.

I’m SO sorry – three minutes away. I had to wrap production on my biopic about a speed skating champion. I think you’re really going to dig the story. There’s already an award-season buzz.

Truly a block away! Remember that demonic golden-doodle? Well, her owner and I fell in love and got married. We had a child right away. Oh, and I live in another state now.

Trains are awful. But I’m st ill coming to meet you – by boat!

The boat was hit by a rogue wave, and it capsized. We all washed ashore on an island. Things have become pretty political and the survivors have split into factions. I’ve been made leader of one of the groups. We’re going to have a final showdown on the beach to see who gets control over our very limited supplies, but

then I’m heading right over!

Truly close now. I ended up walking the wrong way and saw a notorious crime lord being assassinated in an alleyway. The police had to put me into witness protection under the name Hubert Tingleman. I now own a small but successful hardware store in a little country town. Mum’s the word on that, though.

Hey! Don’t hate me, but I thought you were talking about the café near my apartment. I didn’t realise that you wanted to meet at the one near your place. That might be a little too far for me – I’m pretty tired. You think we could take a rain check for next weekend? Love you lots!