RINGS THEORY
amazon, Jonathan French is Tolkien to you...
The announcement that Amazon Studios had acquired rights to develop a new series based on Tolkien’s masterwork sent the internet into a frenzy of Gollum-worthy worry. Was this simply to be a retread of the Peter Jackson films? If so, why, Precious? Why would Amazon want to remake something widely held by fans to be nearly perfect? And if this series is not to be Frodo’s Journey 2.0, what is it? There’s speculation the show will focus on a young Aragorn but until Amazon shines some official moonlight on their plans, we are all left riddling in the dark. But I know what I want from this series, Sméagol, my love, and it stems from an oft-ignored tidbit near the end of The Hobbit.
During the “The Return Journey” chapter, we are told “...they drew near to the borders of Mirkwood... Then they halted, for the wizard and Bilbo would not enter the wood…” Facing the trek home, Bilbo refuses to go through Mirkwood again, the Elvenking’s new friendship be damned. What’s more, Gandalf agrees. Seeing as how he avoided going through the spider-infested forest the first time and is absent again during the Shelob incident years later, I think it’s safe to say ole Mithrandir has a bad case of arachnophobia. Regardless, Gandalf and Bilbo ditch the Elves in favor of Beorn. The trio skirt the eastern edge of the forest and go over the top of Mirkwood. A quick glance at a map of Middle-earth puts their route between the Grey Mountains and the forest, and quite close to the Withered Heath, the breeding ground of dragons. Yup, Smaug’s hometown! He may have been the last of the Great Dragons, but lesser of his kind infest the valley.
So here’s my pitch to Amazon: the Burglar, the Wizard, and the Skin-Changer taking a hike through dragon country where they encounter “...many hardships and adventures…”. There’s not a D&D player alive that wouldn’t want to be a member of that party. That’s your show, Amazon! You want action? Picture Beorn in full bear-force mode rumbling with a pack of hissing dragons. How’s about Gandalf and Bilbo swinging Glamdring and Sting into the faces of the last, desperate goblins from Mount Gundabad? Not to mention this little gem, “The Wild was still the Wild, and there were many other things in it in those days beside goblins…” That should leave any screenwriter (or nefarious Dungeon Master) wringing their hands with glee.
Not enough? How about intrigue? Remember, Bilbo still has to keep the true nature of the Ring secret from Gandalf during this “...long and cheerless road…” You need comedy? It’s a Hobbit, a cranky old man and a giant hippie with an axe. The funny writes itself! You want sex? Okay... hmmm... well... I mean, I guess Goldberry and Beorn could have a past... wait, no! You want hanky-panky then adapt something else, because this is still Tolkien!
All the elements are there for a solid block of episodes, if not an entire first season. Plus, since this approach focuses on characters featured mainly in The Hobbit, comparisons to the films will be less of a roadblock since they were far from beloved. Best part? According to the professor himself, the whole thing wraps up with them reaching Beorn’s house by Yule-tide. Ask any Doctor Who fan and they’ll confirm that you can’t go wrong with a Christmas episode. Can you say Feel-Good-Ending?
“PICTURE BEORN IN BEAR-FORCE MODE WITH A PACK OF HISSING DRAGONS”
The Grey Bastards by Jonathan French is out 21 June from Orbit.