LOL

Send your favourite fun­nies to: LOL, Street Ma­chine, Locked Bag 12, Oak­leigh, Vic 3166 or email them to: street­ma­chine@bauer-me­dia.com.au.

Street Machine - - Lol -

LEARN­ING TO FLY

JOHN lives his life by sta­tis­tics and is afraid to fly. One day his friend, Bill, asks him: “Why do you have this ir­ra­tional fear of fly­ing?”

“Ir­ra­tional? Not at all,” John replies. “I’ve merely cal­cu­lated the odds of a bomb be­ing placed on a plane, and it’s much too high for my com­fort.”

A few days later, Bill boards a flight only to find John sit­ting in the seat right next to him. “What hap­pened?” Bill asks him. “Have the odds changed?”

“No,” John replies. “The odds of a bomb be­ing on a plane haven’t changed. But I cal­cu­lated the odds of two bombs be­ing on a plane, and I found those odds much more ac­cept­able. So now I just bring my own.” Juan Chantz, email

ALL GOOD

THE mother of a prob­lem child was ad­vised by a psy­chi­a­trist: “You are far too up­set and wor­ried about your son. I sug­gest you take these tran­quil­lis­ers.”

On her next visit the psy­chi­a­trist asked: “So, have the tran­quil­lis­ers calmed you down?” “Yes,” the mother an­swered. “And how is your son now?” he asked. She replied: “Who cares?” Fi-lynn Fine, email

OFF THE RAILS

MY BOSS yelled at me the other day: “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in his­tory. How many trains did you de­rail last year?”

I replied: “Well, I can’t say for sure, it’s hard to keep track!” N Jin­ear, email

REELIN’ ’EM IN

A Well-dressed gentle­man stood out­side a pub and watched as an old man tried to fish in a pud­dle. “Poor old fool,” he thought, and de­cided to in­vite the old man in­side for a drink.

As they sipped their whiskies, the gentle­man thought he’d hu­mour the old man and asked: “So, how many have you caught to­day?”

The old man laughed: “You’re the eighth.” Hooke Ly­nan-sinker, email

CHAR­I­TA­BLE DO­NA­TION

AN OLD man on his deathbed has spent his en­tire life pinch­ing pen­nies and cling­ing to all of his money. Friend­less, he is sur­rounded only by his priest, doc­tor and lawyer. Just be­fore he dies, he tells them: “I know most peo­ple say that you can’t bring money with you when you die, but I want you to all throw this into my grave just as they are about to bury me.” He hands them all en­velopes, each con­tain­ing $50,000.

After his fu­neral the three men are dis­cussing the money. The doc­tor says: “I have to con­fess some­thing. I’ve re­ally been want­ing a va­ca­tion, so I only threw $40,000 in.”

The priest fol­lows: “I must also con­fess. We are ren­o­vat­ing the church, so I only threw in $25,000. I feel aw­ful.”

The lawyer lashes out at them: “You guys are ter­ri­ble! Not only did I throw in the $50,000 he gave me, but I added my own $10,000.”

The doc­tor cries: “Why in the world would you give that greedy man your own money?”

“Well, I think he was a good man,” the lawyer says, “so I wrote him a cheque for the full amount.” U Ar­tookynde, email

VOICE OF EX­PE­RI­ENCE

A LIT­TLE boy in fifth grade was try­ing out for a school play. He got a part and ex­cit­edly went home to tell his fa­ther.

His fa­ther was re­ally proud of him. “What part did you get?” he asked.

“I got the part of a man who has been mar­ried for 25 years,” the lit­tle boy replied.

His fa­ther con­grat­u­lated him, say­ing: “That’s great son! Maybe next time you’ll get a speak­ing role!” Sy Lence, email

HAPPY UNION

THE preacher at a church is giv­ing a ser­mon about mar­riage and how sa­cred it is. He asks if there is any­one in the con­gre­ga­tion who has been hap­pily mar­ried for 50 years.

An older man stands and says he is just ap­proach­ing his 50th wedding an­niver­sary.

The priest asks him how he has man­aged to stay happy in his mar­riage for so long. The man replies: “I do ev­ery­thing I can to keep my wife happy. For ex­am­ple, I took her to Rome for our 25th an­niver­sary.”

The priest replies: “That’s great! And what do you plan on do­ing on your 50th?”

The man says: “I guess I’ll go and bring her back.” Mary Dwell, email

WET DREAMS

THREE men are trav­el­ling through the desert and are very thirsty. After wan­der­ing aim­lessly for hours, they come to a mys­te­ri­ous wa­ter­slide that has in­struc­tions at the top: “Slide down, yell the drink of your choice, and at the bot­tom you will find a pool of that bev­er­age.”

The three men are very ex­cited. The first man slides down and yells: “Wa­ter!” He then falls into a pool of wa­ter.

The next man goes down and yells: “Lemon­ade!” He falls into a pool full of it.

The fi­nal man goes down, and, over­come with ex­cite­ment, he yells: “Weeeeeee!” Va­tov Yurin, email

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