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LEARNING TO FLY
JOHN lives his life by statistics and is afraid to fly. One day his friend, Bill, asks him: “Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?”
“Irrational? Not at all,” John replies. “I’ve merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane, and it’s much too high for my comfort.”
A few days later, Bill boards a flight only to find John sitting in the seat right next to him. “What happened?” Bill asks him. “Have the odds changed?”
“No,” John replies. “The odds of a bomb being on a plane haven’t changed. But I calculated the odds of two bombs being on a plane, and I found those odds much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own.” Juan Chantz, email
THE mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist: “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take these tranquillisers.”
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked: “So, have the tranquillisers calmed you down?” “Yes,” the mother answered. “And how is your son now?” he asked. She replied: “Who cares?” Fi-lynn Fine, email
OFF THE RAILS
MY BOSS yelled at me the other day: “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I replied: “Well, I can’t say for sure, it’s hard to keep track!” N Jinear, email
REELIN’ ’EM IN
A Well-dressed gentleman stood outside a pub and watched as an old man tried to fish in a puddle. “Poor old fool,” he thought, and decided to invite the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskies, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked: “So, how many have you caught today?”
The old man laughed: “You’re the eighth.” Hooke Lynan-sinker, email
AN OLD man on his deathbed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded only by his priest, doctor and lawyer. Just before he dies, he tells them: “I know most people say that you can’t bring money with you when you die, but I want you to all throw this into my grave just as they are about to bury me.” He hands them all envelopes, each containing $50,000.
After his funeral the three men are discussing the money. The doctor says: “I have to confess something. I’ve really been wanting a vacation, so I only threw $40,000 in.”
The priest follows: “I must also confess. We are renovating the church, so I only threw in $25,000. I feel awful.”
The lawyer lashes out at them: “You guys are terrible! Not only did I throw in the $50,000 he gave me, but I added my own $10,000.”
The doctor cries: “Why in the world would you give that greedy man your own money?”
“Well, I think he was a good man,” the lawyer says, “so I wrote him a cheque for the full amount.” U Artookynde, email
VOICE OF EXPERIENCE
A LITTLE boy in fifth grade was trying out for a school play. He got a part and excitedly went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. “What part did you get?” he asked.
“I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years,” the little boy replied.
His father congratulated him, saying: “That’s great son! Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking role!” Sy Lence, email
THE preacher at a church is giving a sermon about marriage and how sacred it is. He asks if there is anyone in the congregation who has been happily married for 50 years.
An older man stands and says he is just approaching his 50th wedding anniversary.
The priest asks him how he has managed to stay happy in his marriage for so long. The man replies: “I do everything I can to keep my wife happy. For example, I took her to Rome for our 25th anniversary.”
The priest replies: “That’s great! And what do you plan on doing on your 50th?”
The man says: “I guess I’ll go and bring her back.” Mary Dwell, email
THREE men are travelling through the desert and are very thirsty. After wandering aimlessly for hours, they come to a mysterious waterslide that has instructions at the top: “Slide down, yell the drink of your choice, and at the bottom you will find a pool of that beverage.”
The three men are very excited. The first man slides down and yells: “Water!” He then falls into a pool of water.
The next man goes down and yells: “Lemonade!” He falls into a pool full of it.
The final man goes down, and, overcome with excitement, he yells: “Weeeeeee!” Vatov Yurin, email