FUNNY FOTO
DEEP THINKER
AN AMERICAN tourist asks an Irish dive master: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
The Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.”
Fuzzy Lodjik, email
LICENCE TEST
A LITTLE girl asked her mother out of the blue: “Mummy, how old are you?”
The mother responded: “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”
The girl then asked: “Mummy, how much do you weigh?”
“That’s another thing women don’t talk about,” the mother replied. “You’ll learn this too, as you grow up.”
So the little girl asked another question: “Mummy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded: “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
The little girl was frustrated and confused as she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She told her friend what her mother had said. Her friend said: “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s licence. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”
So the next day, the girl and her mother were out and about, when the girl suddenly announced: “Mummy, I know how old you are! You’re 32.”
The mother was very shocked and asked: “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”
The little girl shrugged and said: “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 65kg.”
“Where did you learn that?”
The little girl replied: “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”
Fay L Detest, email
WAITING GAME
A TEENAGE boy asks his crush to go to a dance. She agrees. So, all excited, the boy decides to rent a suit. The rental place has a long line, so he waits and waits, but finally gets his suit.
He then decides to buy flowers, so he visits a florist. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits until he finally buys his flowers.
So the big night arrives and the boy picks up his sweetheart to go to the dance. But when they get to the venue, there is a long line to get in, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the boy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drinks table, and there is no punch line.
Ry Toncue, email
DEATH WISH
A FARMER needs a horse, so he goes to a stable where one is being sold. The stable owner shows him the horse and tells him it needs special instructions.
“To make the horse go, you say: ‘Thank God,’” he tells the farmer, “and to make it stop you say: ‘Amen.’”
The farmer is fine with this, so he pays the stable owner and takes the horse away.
The next day, the farmer is riding his new horse around his farm, but, feeling drowsy in the afternoon sun, he dozes off while still riding.
Half an hour or so later, the farmer wakes up with a start, still on the horse, to find the horse is racing them both towards the edge of a cliff.
With no time to lose, the farmer shouts: “Amen!” and just in time the horse stops, mere centimetres from the cliff’s edge.
Amazed at his close call, the farmer breathes a sigh of relief and says: “Thank God!”
Trayne Dequine, email
BAR HOPPING
A GRASSHOPPER walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender chuckles and says: “Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?”
The grasshopper replies: “Why in the heck do you have a drink named Bob?”
N Secht, email
COMMISSIONED
AN IRISHMAN by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young Englishwoman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Murphy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Murphy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the rightness and wrongness of it, but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
So Murphy returned to the woman and said: “’Twould be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus. The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint you in the nude all right, but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.”
Fairen Uff, email