THE FULFILLING BUT WINDING ROAD OF STEPPARENTING

So you have been on a few dates, enjoy each other’s company and are starting to think there might be some future ahead for you … then they drop a bombshell — they are in the middle of a bitter custody battle with their ex. You glance around the room, searching for the nearest exit, wishing you were on a plane and there were illuminated exit lights marking the way. While your breath is becoming rapid, you are aware of the eerie silence which is now creating a gaping hole between you.

Being a step-parent can be a challenging role, and this becomes even more difficult when there are unresolved family law issues. You can sometimes end up witnessing text message wars, arctic cold changeovers and confused and upset children.

If you are a step-parent, you may feel much uncertainty about your role, hopefully these tips will help.

I have just started a relationship and my partner has children, what is my role?

Some families with new partners/ step-parents enter the family and immediately take on the parenting role of the children. Others take more of a back seat role. There is no right or wrong approach. It is important that you do not undermine the other parents’ role or their position in the child’s life. Immediately inserting yourself as the primary carer and calling yourself “Mum” or “Dad” is generally not the best approach. Slow and steady seems to be more effective in this situation.

How much involvement should I have with the ‘other parent’?

Generally as a rule of thumb, we do not encourage step-parents to immediately inject themselves into the other parents’ life unless invited to do so. While your intentions may be only good, your presence in itself may be unsettling and cause the other parent to feel as though their territory is being invaded. As a result of this, they may either retreat or attack. Either of these responses will not be beneficial, particularly if witnessed by the children. Therefore the message is to tread carefully. As your relationship grows, the other parent may in fact initiate contact with you.

Whatever type of step-parent role you take on, remember you will undoubtedly make a tremendous impact on a little person’s life. While at times it can be a rocky road, I hope that this world will see more positive attitudes in the future.