“It’s official, society has lost its sense of humour”
As that great foremother of hilarious newspaper columns Erma Bombeck once observed: “When humour goes, there goes civilisation.”
Well, guess what, people? Civilisation has gone. Let the looting begin. Society has officially y lost its sense of humour.
And because use martial law now exists in this wasteland eland of wit, from this day forward I will ill now write JOKE in capital letters rs and parenthesis, after each joke, so o that the more literal among you will know when to laugh (just like ike they do for those American-canned-laughter anned-laughter studio TV audiences). udiences).
So here we go… Earlier this month, I wrote what I thought was as a brilliant (JOKE), hilarious ious (not a JOKE) column for Stellar on how no-one is perfect erfect and we all have to love what we are.
Mid flow, I explained if you don’t think ink I’m beautiful (with all the e TV hair and make-up and d lights) you were entitled to your our opinion. But that you’d be e wrong. (JOKE! JOKE! JOKE! E! JOKE! One more time for the dummies – that was a JOKE!)
As with most of what I say in life, my tongue was firmly in my cheek.
Well. The e ensuing outrage could only have been beaten by the beating given to Bert or Barnaby. Entire newspaper pages were dedicated to my breaking of the golden rule for women: to NEVER admit you’re beautiful. (I was actually not aware that was a rule.) I thought when society told us to be confident, love what we’re bl blessed with (and hide the scary bits) we w were actually meant to be, and love and hid hide. Whoops! The outrage commentato commentators also kindly (JOKE) shared wit with me what the burning fires of hell (aka the online “comments” sec section for articles) were spewing up from the anonymous und underworld of those vile and ugly ugl haters. (Not a JOKE.) I was “over the hill”, shou should “work on radio” and and, my favourite, “no “not all that”. Well, guess what, idiot? I AM all that. (N (Not a JOKE.) (FYI: I NEVER read rea the comments sections as I have better things to do, l like slam my hand in a car doo door 15 times.) Exasperated didn didn’t even begin to describe it. it Silly me, I’ve always enjoyed the funny, outrageous people in society, and tried to avoid the ones who consider Kath & Kim a documentary. “Isn’t laughter t the best medicine?” I wailed to my mother (a former regi registered nurse). “No, Samantha Samantha. Medicine is the best medicine,” she replied, deadpan. (The haters will be pleased to know that in addition to being hideously ugly and ridiculously unfunny, I still regularly and with great gusto whinge to my mother about bullies and idiots.)
I reflected if I was to blame for creating this outrage (JOKE). It’s true, I DO rely on the laughing-crying emoji too much, but is that a sin punishable by death? Perhaps.
And then my mother called me back and said, “Write a column about how stupid and lacking in humour people can be these days.” And I whined, “Jeez Mum, I haven’t got time today to improve society.”
But I’ve always prided myself on my self-deprecating humour, despite making my living from the TV industry. And I never shy away from a fight (as I make my living from the TV industry).
So, like the tenacious (not a JOKE), try-hard comedian I am (JOKE), I began to write. And here ’tis.
If you don’t think I’m funny, you’re entitled to your opinion.
But you’d be wrong. Samantha co-hosts Sunrise, 5.30am weekdays, on the Seven Network.
Congratulations on bagging your second Logie this year. Did you think you were a shoo-in on the night? Look, I wouldn’t have backed myself with somebody else’s money. That’s how sure I was that Rodger [Corser] was going to win the category. It was a total shock, a total surprise and very nice since it had been a fair while since the Gold in 2010. It’s also been a fair while since you joined Home And Away – 30 years. Did you ever expect to still be in Summer Bay at age 74? When I was first offered the part it was a two-year contract and I said, “No, no… I don’t want to be tied down that long.” They said, “Would you do a year?” I said, “No, I couldn’t possibly!” But then, it’s shot in Sydney and I thought it might be nice to be at home at the end of the day. So I said, “I’ll do six months.” Then you get a bit seduced by being able to sleep in your own bed. It’s not like you haven’t plied your trade elsewhere. You did a couple of stints on London’s West End in Priscilla Queen Of The Desert The Musical. Pretty good for a rugbyplaying bloke from the bush who can’t sing or dance. So how did you get your start in showbiz? A couple of guys in the rugby club told me the amateur theatre in town needed a few more blokes. I wasn’t keen but when they got parts, they came back and said, “Listen, there’s not a lot of competition for the girls.” And that was that. Have you made your peace with fans demanding selfies, or does it ever rankle? That’s something that does go with the territory. You get the occasional yahoo screaming “Stone the crows” or “You flamin’ mongrel” out the car window, but usually people are really nice about it – they just want to talk about the show. My attitude is, if you’ve been bursting into people’s lounge rooms uninvited for 30 years, they’ve got every right. Aside from acting, you have a brand of hot sauce. What made you pick that condiment? Growing up in the bush, I’d go mustering with my eldest brother and in the middle of the day, you’d sit down, boil the billy somewhere and have a mutton sandwich – I’d like to say lamb but some of the old girls were definitely more on the mutton side. Two slabs of bread, slice of tomato if you were lucky… which made for a bit of a dry mouthful. Worcestershire sauce would come to the rescue. I would slather it on. I got hooked, so when I started thinking about what to do, it felt like there was a bit of a bloodline there. You have partnered with internet company Godaddy, which has a website builder for small businesses, to sell the sauce. How are your IT skills? Lack of my IT skills is a better way to put it. Small businesses are the lifeblood of this country but more than half don’t have websites. They need all the help they can get; I figure if I can do it, anyone can. And now all the proceeds from your sales will go to charity? I always wanted my share to go to Cure Cancer, but Godaddy said, “No, let’s put every dollar that way.” A decision like that restores your faith in humanity. It’s inspiring and invigorating. Do you reckon even Alf could take his bait shop online? What do you think of www.alfstackle.com? I reckon he needs to.