Really no place like home at Christmas
SHOULD I stay or should I go now?
This is the question faced by Top Enders every wet season, also known as the sweat season.
Each year a combination of climatic conditions and Christmas spirit induces an annual exodus that turns our town into a barren borough.
The grey nomads have gone south to see the grandkids, the backpackers have headed to Bondi for the summer, and most of the people who spend the year being told to piss off back down south where they came from actually do so, if only temporarily.
The North must be the only place in Australia where things wind down during the festive season. The only place that’s busy is the departures hall at the airport.
As Darwin’s usual inhabitants jet the hell out of here, those of us left in town enduring the hardships of humidity need a plan to make it through.
Perseverance will mean perspiration. Sports drinks must be stockpiled. Be prepared to hand over all your savings to Power and Water. If there’s time, you should probably install a pool. And a new roof.
But there are many posi- tives to this persistence. Shopping is actually less of a nightmare in Darwin in December. Getting a parking space close by to where you want to go is a realistic possibility. And it’s an opportunity to really let your air-con shine.
So that those of us remaining don’t suffer abandonment issues over this period of seasonal neglect, I’ve come up with some reasons it’s good to stick around town at this time of year. CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT. If it’s a dry Wet, it will be like an extended build-up. This means you get to witness people going troppo. This is a genuine condition that affects many northerners at this time of year, where people who behave like relatively rational human beings the rest of the year, are all of a sudden seconds away from fullblown rage. This can keep you amused practically anywhere you go. If you don’t encounter it enough in your everyday life at work and home, you can specifically seek out venues that aggravate this condition. I recommend the post office, the supermarket or the MVR. WEIGHT LOSS. While everyone else is down south sucking down roast pork and baked ham, it’s far too hot to cook Christmas feasts here. We will likely sustain ourselves on liquids. And if the rains don’t come, exertion is achieved much more easily. While those who’ve fled over the border are slogging it out in gyms, up here the walk from your bathroom to your bedroom alone can produce perspiration equal to running a marathon. EDUCATIONAL OPPOR-
Your whole house can become a science experiment with the amount of mould everyday items can generate. Walls, inside cupboard doors, on clothes, on food — it’s everywhere. A few years back I even managed to accidentally grow mushrooms in my bathroom. Mould also offers a cheap alternative to antibiotics. SPEEDY SERVICE. Queues become shorter once half of Darwin has departed. Suddenly the laksa line at the markets has lessened and being at the supermarket is actually an enjoyable experience. Rather than having to share shopping with a bunch of jerks who don’t know how to work the self-serve checkouts, you have the whole glorious icily air-conditioned place to yourself. You’re also less likely to get stuck behind one of those people from a remote outstation who are doing their shopping for the next six months (hopefully they’re already cut off) or a tour guide buying enough to feed 20 people. Just kick back and enjoy the refrigerated aisle in all its coolness. SAFER ROADS. With fewer people around, the number of
TUNITIES. morons on our roads reduces proportionally. Sure, there are still some dense drivers who don’t turn their headlights on in extreme rain, but they simply give us someone to whom we can direct our troppo- induced rage when the post office is closed. FEWER FOOLS. Similar to our roads, the slew of deserters will mean an overall decrease in idiots around town. Annoying people you normally try to avoid are less likely to be around. And the irritating ones who do remain have a bigger chance of being hit by lightning. FINANCIAL STABILITY. Hardly any events take place and so few restaurants stay open over the Wet, the number of places to spend your money are greatly reduced. As road closures kick in, you can’t even waste money on petrol for a weekend away. GOOD TIMES. While the reality might be that you’re sweating out the season solo, southerners need not know this. The power of social media allows us to post only the highlights package, which can make the Top End look like a fishing paradise with spectacular sunsets and a dose of good lightning at this time of year.
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