New Year’s resolutions for all to take on board
IT’S about this time of year that people start discussing resolutions. Unfortunately I’m not talking about picture clarity, which would be a far less predictable conversation than that of New Year’s resolutions, which are all about cutting out Kit Kats and attending more Crossfit. Plans to work less, learn a language, take up the guitar, lose weight or save more money rarely last longer than the NYE hangover.
My only resolution these days is not to make any resolutions; I only disappoint myself. This was highlighted after December 31, 2011, when I made a grand announcement that I intended to abstain from hot chips for 12 months. I cracked within 12 hours.
So this year, instead of making personal declarations doomed for defeat, I’ve decided to make some resolutions for the whole of the Territory.
I truly believe this place we call home is paradise. But, frankly, we’ve got as much work to do as a broke, unilingual, obese workaholic. We’ve got issues.
So here are some things I think we can work on collectively for 2014 — and, of course, if things don’t work out, we can just blame the Government. ALCOHOL Let’s drink less of it. I’m not talking about banning beer and all heading out for a lemonade. I just think we could stand to lose the title of ‘‘ Biggest Alcoholics in Australia’’. For years figures have consistently shown our alcohol consumption rate to be significantly higher than the national average. This is not a record to be revered but a problem to be resolved. A couple of beers at the pub is fine. It’s 50 beers at the pub and then punching on in the street that’s a problem. TOURISM Let’s promote it. Even if it means we have to put up with more of those clueless, silver- haired nomads and scabby, baggypants-wearing backpackers. Constant exposure to excessive faux adventure clothing and gargantuan caravans is a small price to pay for such an economic boost. We have to start recognising that getting stuck behind a thousand Wicked vans on the Stuart Highway is a sign of prosperity we should be embracing. The Territory is the greatest place in Australia — we need to become better at showing it off. DRIVING Let’s get better at it. If we could all get on board with blinkers and familiarise ourselves with what to do when confronted with a roundabout, imagine how much less yelling we’d all be doing. Some other ideas: wear a seatbelt, stop at red lights and avoid situations where you find yourself driving at 180km/ h down the highway while masturbating. And stop drink-driving, you dickheads. This year there were 37 deaths on Territory roads. We could do with fewer in 2014. CRACKERS Let’s do it by the book. We’ve got it pretty good up here — they let us legally blow sh** up one night a year — one night more than anywhere else in the country. Let’s not ruin that by letting them off every time we get drunk. Likewise, let’s not stick any up our ar- ses — it does nothing for our interstate reputation — although it does sell newspapers. KIDS Let’s give them better names. Sure, you thought merging two pop stars’ names together was a cool idea, but life isn’t going to be easy for little Sheyonce. Nor is it going to be for Tigerlilly, Vanilla, Crusoe, Thunder, Blade or Holden. Living at Palmerston is no excuse. Don’t name your kid after cutlery or a car. In fact, don’t name your kid after anything, unless it’s another person with a sensible name. Of even more importance is the spelling of your kid’s name. Don’t transform Riley into Rhilee, Rilea or Ryly. It’s not creative. It’s stupid. Be normal. Call your kid John. That will make him stand out. SCHOOL Let’s attend it. Or at least encourage our kids to. We hear over and over that school attendance is at its worst in the Territory, literacy rates are embarrassing and our kids can barely count. If you’re in a position to make us less stupid — ie, you’re a parent — encourage your child in any way you can to make the most of their education. Not giving them a stupid name, which might see them beaten up at school, is a good place to start (see previous point). ASYLUM SEEKERS Let’s show some compassion. That we can be jetting off interstate or overseas and mere metres away women and children are being held in detention is a disgrace. So, too, is the hidden-away Wickham Point detention centre and the NIDC, which many of us would drive past daily. I’m not advocating we open our borders, just our hearts. Cheesy, yes, but I’d rather be a bleeding heart than perpetuate our reputation as ignorant bogan northerners who don’t bother to make ourselves aware of what’s going on in our own backyard. SUICIDE Let’s talk about it. The Territory has kept its top spot for suicide rates for far too long. Speaking up about this issue and removing the stigma is the only way we can help one another. This is a topic that touches most people at some point and silence seems not to be helping. Let’s support organisations working to reduce the rate and become more aware of what others around us might be going through.
There are, of course, many other things we could strive for in the Territory: to get better at car parking and to get less sh** tattoos, for example.
And on a more serious note, to reduce domestic violence, homelessness and crime, and improve our costof-living situation.
Hopefully the year ahead holds at least some of these things in store for us. Happy 2014. Followmeon Twitter @KylieMStevenson