Bushranger

Sunday Territorian - - NEWS -

Exit, stage left

SO-CALLED co­me­dian Austen Tayshus has had a hor­ror trip to the Ter­ri­tory, hav­ing flopped twice dur­ing his re­cent tour, first at Ten­nant Creek and then at Humpty Doo. But he in­sists it’s not his fault. “The Humpty Doo Ho­tel on Fri­day May 13 was full of co­matose bel­liger­ents,” he said on Twit­ter. He then added that they were “stupid and drunk and un­con­trol­lable”. In his de­fence, he stressed “how great my show was at the Kather­ine Club”, where he de­scribed the au­di­ence as “civilised”. Con­grat­u­la­tions to the peo­ple of Kather­ine for liv­ing up to Mr Tayshus’s stan­dards of ci­vil­ity.

Truth is some­where

THE truth is out there, specif­i­cally at Mar­rara. Bushranger’s spy Mor­gan Ma­son re­ports that, as seen from Google Maps, the mow­ing pat­tern on the footy oval next to TIO sta­dium ap­pears to con­tain crop cir­cles. We’re not say­ing aliens are the cause, but we’re cer­tainly not say­ing they’re not.

Part­ing gift

PRIME Min­is­ter Mal­colm Turn­bull was in Dar­win this week. He toured the port that we don’t own any more and had a chin wag with Border Force, whose job it is to stop the boats that aren’t com­ing any more. The PM then went to the newly spruced-up Lizards Bar for an “im­promptu” event, “pol­i­tics in the pub”. An es­ti­mated four mem­bers of the Young Coun­try Lib­er­als were there to pack the bar out, the rest were in bed. Mr Turn­bull then or­dered a schooner of mid-strength beer. Still not as bad as pre­de­ces­sor Tony Ab­bott, who fa­mously or­dered a light beer shandy dur­ing the 2013 elec­tion cam­paign.

WORST PER­FOR­MANCE OF THE WEEK:

Bushranger can also re­port that Mr Turn­bull al­most for­got his gift from the NT Press Club, a T-shirt with the slo­gan: “Dar­win, a sunny place for shady peo­ple”. Luck­ily, some­one chased him out the door to make sure he didn’t leave it be­hind.

No nod for Griggs

“NODDIES” — the party faith­ful who stand be­hind the sub­ject of a press con­fer­ence and nod — are a time-hon­oured tra­di­tion in pol­i­tics. Dur­ing an elec­tion cam­paign, stand­ing be­hind a party leader gives a lo­cal can­di­date valu­able ex­po­sure to a na­tional au­di­ence and shows to lo­cal vot­ers their pol­lie is besties with the big man. But Mem­ber for Solomon and Tony Ab­bott fan Natasha Griggs was no­tably ab­sent from prime po­si­tion be­hind Mr Turn­bull’s shoul­der in Dar­win on Tuesday. The fol­low­ing day in Cairns, the LNP can­di­date was in clear view, nod­ding his heart out.

Pol­i­tics can be sexy

FOR the most part, elec­tions are ter­ri­bly un­sexy, but there are signs that the com­ing poll might be dif­fer­ent. The Aus­tralian Sex Party is start­ing to an­nounce can­di­dates, and is hope­ful of win­ning seats in Can­berra based on “com­mon­sense” poli­cies. Among them is Dr Mered­ith “Doiggy Style” Doig, who is stand­ing as a Se­nate can­di­date in Vic­to­ria. Now that’s a can­di­date Bushranger could get be­hind.

Make an en­trance

WE’VE all had our big nights out. This week, the Dar­win Lo­cal Court was told about a par­tic­u­larly good ef­fort. We’ll ex­er­cise rare dis­cre­tion and leave the poor young bloke’s name out of it, but in his lawyer’s words: “He woke up in a gar­den, heav­ily in­tox­i­cated”. Old mate then al­legedly went on to break in to what “he thought was his house”. Chin up, young fella, we’ve all been there.

Zinger burglar re­turns

AN NT News pho­tog­ra­pher was quite taken with a strik­ing young man she met on a work trip this week. While chat­ting to the hand­some gent, she com­mented that he looked very fa­mil­iar, and asked if he’d ever been snapped for the pa­per. He stayed coy but in­di­cated there was a pos­si­bil­ity he’d graced the pages be­fore. It wasn’t un­til the plane ride back to Dar­win that the pho­tog­ra­pher re­alised where she’d seen that strong jaw­line pre­vi­ously — when its owner had ap­peared in court for his in­volve­ment in the armed rob­bery of a KFC store.

Not so fine

LAST week, Bushranger re­ported on the NT News po­lice re­porter and potty mouth Kieran Banks be­ing fined $150 for telling a cgrade soccer um­pire to “f**k off”. He thought the fine was a bit rich, given that you can swear your face off in­ter­state for $20. The fine ar­rived this week, and it’s ac­tu­ally $136.36 plus GST, which means some­one in govern­ment has de­cided that giv­ing a ref a piece of your mind is a goods or a ser­vice.

Houses of ill re­pute

IN the course of her work-re­lated du­ties, a friend of Bushranger googled the term “Dar­win brothel” this week. The third re­sult was for NT Par­lia­ment House. We don’t un­der­stand how they were con­fused — one is a den of sin and the other is a brothel.

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