A PRINCELY PRICE TO PAY
The UK wants to renew ties with the Commonwealth. Fine, but here’s the catch...
Their pubs are the best in the world and their comedians second to none, but cor blimey those Brits are a fickle bunch.
Four decades ago they ditched us to hook up with the EEC, decimating our agricultural industries in their rush to jump into bed with the Danes and their poncy Lurpak butter. Now they want back in. Having voted themselves out of the European Union – apparently by design but more likely by accident – they’re now resuscitating the notion of a CANZUK Union, a happy little alliance between Canada, Australia, New Zealand and, of course, themselves.
“Winston Churchill’s great dream of a Western alliance based on three separate blocs might one day live again, thanks to Brexit,” crowed the UK’s Telegraph this week in an article breathtaking in its presumption (the Brits always quote Churchill when they’re on shaky ground).
“The first and second blocs – the USA and a United State of Europe – are already in place,” they pointed out. CANZUK would be the third pillar of Western Civilisation.
Honestly, they’ve got more cheek than Ricky Gervais. Tired of being bossed around by Brussels they’re claiming our shared language, Westminster parliamentary tradition, military collaborations and common head of state are justification enough to form a union. Could it be that Kate and William’s tour to Canada next week is actually a secret scoping mission to gauge support for this cliquey Commonwealth club? While we have no objections to closer relations with Justin Trudeau — sorry, Canada — clearly we can only endorse CANZUK if the following conditions are met:
1. Britain unreservedly apologises for Bodyline and Breaker Morant. In writing. On letterhead from Buckingham Palace.
2. The official sports of the alliance are AFL in winter and surfing in summer. Shut up New Zealand.
3. Ski fields in Canada, Australia and New Zealand offer fast-track lanes on to the chairlifts for CANZUK passport holders. Britain, unable to stump up a decent mountain, will offer CANZUK priority seating at Wimbledon, Wembley, Twickenham and Lords.
4. Canada has to agree to vote in favour of Vegemite in the Marmite vs Vegemite plebiscite conducted to determine which product becomes the union’s honorary spread. Maple syrup will be distributed to member states at cost price and the shortfall made up by price hikes to the US, China and the EU.
5. Australia and Canada must take a masterclass in indigenous reconciliation from the New Zealanders.
6. Prince Philip is retired as Field Marshal of the Australian Army and replaced by Prince Harry (above).
7. Britain relinquishes its archaic currency and adopts the dollar along with a realistic exchange rate. No more will we pay the equivalent of $8 for a cup of their dire coffee.
8. Each member state retains its own flag or a new version if they have the gumption to get it through. Ahem, New Zealand.
9. Since the combined land mass of the four nations would exceed 18 million square kilometres, larger even than Russia’s 17 million, we would need to commit to increasing our quota of refugees.
10. Since the four nations have a long and celebrated history of scientific research and invention – the World Wide Web (Tim Berners-Lee, UK), splitting the atom (Ernest Rutherford, NZ), the black box flight recorder (Dave Warren, Australia) and, er, the egg carton (Joseph Coyle, Canada) – the union would set up a well-funded research institute. First projects are to invent a better, cheaper version of the iPhone and to discover solutions to global warming that we later sell to Asia, Europe and the Middle East for a motza.
11. Lest the UK see CANZUK as a reimagined version of the British Empire, headquarters would not be in London. Think Queenstown, Banff or Hayman Island.
12. New Zealand and Australia will have to settle some long-running disputes. They can claim the pavlova, Russell Crowe and Richard Wilkins. Rebecca Gibney is ours.
13. While geopolitical and economic issues will set the agenda, there will be substantial investment in the arts and entertainment. Instead of trying to keep up with the pointless Kardashians we’ll invest in the likes of James Corden, Chris Lilley, Seth Rogen, Jim Carrey and The Flight of the Conchord boys. We’ll have our own non-Hollywood Academy Awards where the dress code is casual and everyone drinks pints.
14. The Annual Irony Symposium (AIS) will protect our greatest shared asset and be afforded the same level of respect as the G7.
15. Finally, the union will have its own anthem — a song devised by Adele, Neil Finn, Paul Kelly and Carly Simon. But it can only be two lines long because no one can ever remember the damn things.