WHAT NOT TO WATCH

Sunday Territorian - - FRONTIER -

1 GO­ING

FOR GOLD Aus­tralia’s first and last movie about com­pet­i­tive cheer­lead­ing. Re­mem­ber Bring It On? Well say hi to ‘Turn It Off’. Very wob­bly chore­og­ra­phy and very stilted act­ing sug­gests ei­ther most scenes were filmed in one take, or no­body told the cast the cam­eras were switched on.

2THE

SEC­OND A calami­tous Aus­tralian erotic thriller where any­thing re­motely re­sem­bling the erotic or thrilling has been ab­sent­mind­edly left out. With a few edit tweaks, it has the mak­ings of a clas­sic com­edy.

3 SLEN­DER

MAN One of the creepi­est ur­ban myths in in­ter­net his­tory be­came one of the un-creepi­est hor­ror movies in mo­tion-pic­ture his­tory. The ti­tle char­ac­ter will al­ways be a laugh­ing stock to other big-screen boogey­men.

4 FIFTY

SHADES FREED The trouser-trou­bling tril­ogy came to an em­bar­rass­ing end, like com­plet­ing a bad Tin­der date that lasted three years. Delete all men­tion of the fran­chise from your phone, and pre­tend it never hap­pened. 5 THAT’S NOT MY DOG! Shane Ja­cob­son in­vites show­biz pals to tell “the fun­ni­est jokes they have heard.” On the ev­i­dence pre­sented here, all in­volved ur­gently need their hear­ing checked. Or a com­plete sense-of-hu­mour trans­plant. 6 PA­CIFIC RIM: UP­RIS­ING Why does Hol­ly­wood still as­sume we just can’t get enough of big, blurry slabs of spe­cial ef­fects smack­ing each other around and stomp­ing on stuff?

7 THE

NUN Ma­jor de­ba­cle for a mi­nor me­nace from The Con­jur­ing uni­verse. She’s hid­ing out in a con­vent in Ro­ma­nia, greet­ing all who en­ter with bared fangs, bad breath and aw­ful house­keep­ing stan­dards. 8 THE FLIP SIDE A bro­ken Aus­tralian rom-com where the rom just never hap­pens. As for the com, it keeps en­ter­ing and leav­ing the room like a drunk who has lost some keys.

9 SUS­PIRIA

A deliri­ously pre­ten­tious combo of bum­numb­ing per­for­mance-art dance se­quences and grotesque gore-mon­ger­ing. A 152-minute cry for help that will never be an­swered.

10THE

BBQ Aussie stal­warts Shane Ja­cob­son and Magda Szuban­ski were the hap­less faces of a fam­ily-friendly movie that no fam­ily would ever want to make friends with. Al­ways cooked, yet never well done.

Pic­ture: SUP­PLIED

Scene from

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