HYPOTHETICAL – THE UNLIKELY TRUTH REVEALED
FILMMAKER, ROCKER, 23, BYRON BAY, NSW
SW: The Skegss Egyptian band manager comes into a band meeting and says Miley Cyrus wants you guys to support her next Australian Tour. Discuss your response to him in five words or less. TC: Fuck yes. I love her.
Which number is better 12 or 37? 37 because that’s how old I hope to be one day. I’ve already been 12 before.
You’re the editor of SW, who’s on your first cover and what’s the coverline? It’s a framey of Cyanide Sphinx and the tagline is Doped Youth 2 is Coming!
You wake up and you’re Kelly Slater. Describe the rest of your day… Go to the bank. Drain all the cash out of my accounts. Drop it all off at Toby Cregan’s house. Go surf the wave pool. Come in and post a video of myself scoffing KFC and Maccas and heaps of junk food and shit on Instagram. Get trashed with Pamela Anderson. Go to bed.
You are given a magic phone that can call you when you are 10 years old. What do you say to your younger self? Don’t worry.
It’s the Nipple Cripple World Titles and you and Creed Mctaggart are in the final. Who wins? I’m at home on my own right now and I just pinched myself on the nipple to see how much I could take. I still don’t know the answer to this one.
Nix Nic Nooley wins a belated Oscar for best picture at the Academy Awards. Give us the opening line of your speech? Fuck the WSL.
You can see 20 years into the future. What is Toby Cregan up to? In 2036 I’ll be 45 on 45 acres of land with $45 and 45 kids.
Illustration by Nanda Ormond