Whinge of the Week

CHEW ON THIS

It infuriates me when I buy meat trays from the supermarket and find gristly, fatty bits cleverly hidden underneath. I feel cheated – meat’s not cheap! My daughter Uvula no longer buys meat, as she’s gone vegan. She won’t even say cheese for the camera. Sid says, ‘The plate looks more attractive than the food on top of it.’ Now people assume her life revolves around veganism. They’re wrong – it revolves around uncertainty of life goals and Netflix. Buy meat from the butcher instead.

GROWING PAINS

I’m three months pregnant and, being a hairdresser, I have to stand all day. My feet are killing me! My son Archie and his partner Julian have just announced their surrogate Jodie, a crocodile tamer from Darwin, is pregnant. Apparently the pregnancy is going just fine, apart from nausea, fatigue, backache, mood swings, constipation, heartburn, varicose veins, exhaustion, insomnia, facial hair, and bleeding gums. It just sounds like Uvula’s normal list of complaints. Here’s money for a massage.

SAY, AHHHHH

I was going for my dental check-up so brushed my teeth and used mouthwash – but then I had to put up with the dentist’s bad breath for my whole appointment! Halitosis is no joke, as my friend Gloria will attest. Her husband Fred’s breath is so bad that when they’re in bed, she wears her sleep mask over her nose instead of her eyes. Even the dog left home. It’s bad enough having a dental appointment without feeling like you’ve entered a rotten egg factory. Change your dentist.