A pic­ture may be worth a thou­sand words but when buy­ing and putting to­gether fur­ni­ture, you may need a bit more help...

The Advertiser - SA Weekend - - DIY -

in­struc­tion sheet – fea­tur­ing ac­tual words – for all fu­ture IKEA cus­tomers. You’re wel­come. STEP 1 EAT THE MEAT­BALLS No, se­ri­ously, they’re ac­tu­ally re­ally nice, and the horse­meat scan­dal was largely re­stricted to Europe. You’re go­ing to need some en­ergy for the 3km walk that awaits you, plus you’re go­ing to have to load your own boxes on to the trol­ley and wres­tle them on to the roof of your car. We’re talk­ing se­ri­ous calo­rie burn, dear cus­tomer, so why not grab a sal­mon fil­let with gar­lic and lemon aioli, and cherry frangi­pani tart as well. Ready? OK, let’s shop. STEP 2 EN­TER THE FRAY Look, we know the store lay­out can be a lit­tle con­fus­ing, but you have a stomach full of food now so there’s very lit­tle chance of get­ting lost and ac­tu­ally starv­ing to death. If you do get tired there are plenty of couches to have a rest on. May we rec­om­mend the Sko­gaby, or, if you’re re­ally tired, per­haps the Ys­tad. That’s enough, move on. Now that you’ve lo­cated the fur­ni­ture you need to sim­ply write down its model num­ber, price, aisle and rack num­ber on the form pro­vided us­ing the tiny pen­cil. No tiny pen­cil? Just mem­o­rise it. Lucky you had the sal­mon; oily fish helps mem­ory. STEP 3 FIND THE WARE­HOUSE To get to the ware­house sim­ply pro­ceed through the Mar­ket Hall. While there, STEP 4 CHECK-CHECK-CHECK IT OUT Now, the cashier is go­ing to ask you for your post code. Don’t be para­noid, there’s noth­ing sin­is­ter about it. It sim­ply al­lows us to track and map ev­ery sin­gle pur­chase and tar­get our ad­ver­tis­ing ac­cord­ingly. Re­lax! Now get that thing to your car dear cus­tomer. What? The trol­ley won’t fit through the bol­lards? Of course it won’t! You don’t want to pay for trol­ley col­lec­tors do you? Go get your ve­hi­cle and bring it around to the load­ing area. You still have some calo­ries to burn from that huge lunch. STEP 5 UN­PACK YOUR PUR­CHASE If you have an un­der­cover out­door area, un­pack it out there. Just re­mem­ber that what­ever you build will have to fit through the door. Like­wise, don’t build a bed in the lounge room, un­less you plan on sleep­ing there for­ever. Lay out your com­po­nents on the ground and why not pick up a set of six Kalas plas­tic cups, or a Koldby cow-skin rug. Go on. Found the ware­house yet? No? Lucky you ate that cherry frangi­pani tart eh? Found it now? Good. Grab one of those big trol­leys; you’re go­ing to need it. Now lo­cate the aisle and rack, and find the se­rial num­ber you mem­o­rised be­fore. Re­mem­ber to get the right colour, and bear in mind that your pur­chase might come in more than one box. Now sim­ply wres­tle your pur­chase on to the trol­ley. Be care­ful! There’s a whole bed in that box! trans­fer all the screws, dow­els and bolts into a bowl. With a lid. Lose one screw and you’re in se­ri­ous trou­ble my friend as there are no spares. None. It makes things more in­ter­est­ing. Right, ready? Ac­tu­ally, you might want to grab a drink first. We rec­om­mend a glass of Lin­gonberry syrup ($5.95 for 500ml). STEP 6 CON­STRUCT YOUR PUR­CHASE This is the fun bit! This is where you em­brace your in­ner Scan­di­na­vian car­pen­ter. Think Floki, the ec­cen­tric Vik­ing boat builder from the SBS tele­vi­sion se­ries. All the tools you’ll need are hand­ily in­cluded in the flat pack (un­less you find work­ing with a three­inch allen key/phillips head screw­driver dif­fi­cult, in which case you might want to bring out some real tools). Work your way through the in­struc­tions, page by page. Don’t freestyle! This is not the time or the place. STEP 7 WORK­ING THROUGH THE DIF­FI­CULT “MID­DLE PE­RIOD” This is where things can get tricky. You’ve put some pieces on upside down and you’ve now re­alised that you’re pretty much go­ing to have to de­con­struct the whole thing to cor­rect your mis­take. You’re se­ri­ously tempted to pour petrol over your cre­ation and throw a match on it. You’re on the brink of tears, lament­ing the lot of mod­ern man and won­der­ing how, in just a cou­ple of gen­er­a­tions, you could have strayed so It’s start­ing to come to­gether now, isn’t it? There’s a tiny pin-prick of light at the end of the long, dark tun­nel. Bits are join­ing other bits, your piece of fur­ni­ture is start­ing to look like… a piece of fur­ni­ture. Just don’t get ahead of yourself. Be cool. Make a cup of tea with your Idealisk in­fuser. Step back and get some per­spec­tive. You know that thing about 70 per cent of road ac­ci­dents hap­pen­ing within a few kilo­me­tres of home? You’d do well to think about that right now. You’re al­most there. It’s only taken three days. Don’t stuff it up. STEP 9 FIN­ISH­ING UP There might be a cou­ple of screws left over, or even a fairly im­por­tant-look­ing piece of wood. Hide them from your wife, they’re not im­por­tant. Set your com­pleted piece of fur­ni­ture up in its in­tended room, brew some cof­fee in your Up­phetta plunger and just take some time to wal­low in some self­con­grat­u­la­tion. Try not to think about the fact that you might soon be mov­ing house and you’ll have to pull it all apart to get it out the door. Throw your allen key in the “allen keys from IKEA” drawer. Go to bed (can we rec­om­mend the Fjell? It’s very com­fort­able).

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