MY WISH

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WOMEN WHO HAVE GIVEN birth are bet­ter equipped to deal with the vi­cis­si­tudes of life – after all, we’ve ex­pe­ri­enced acute pain and been stitched up. If what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, then moth­ers are made of ti­ta­nium.

That’s why my wish for 2015 is that women are given a turn at run­ning the world. Just as mag­a­zines oc­ca­sion­ally have a guest ed­i­tor, just imag­ine for a mo­ment if women could have a “guest edit” of the globe.

What with the state of the Mid­dle, sorry, the Mud­dle East, melt­ing po­lar caps, ge­o­graph­i­cal klep­to­ma­ni­acs like rootin’, tootin’, shootin’ Putin and fi­nan­cial melt­downs fu­elled by ma­cho bankers’ fraud­u­lent mort­gage scams – we girls can’t pos­si­bly do a worse job than you blokes!

The ques­tion on the minds of most women is why doesn’t choco­late go straight to your boobs? So, my first fe­male-friendly wish for 2015 is that sci­en­tists will dis­cover that kale was fat­ten­ing all along and cake is na­ture’s peni­cillin. My sec­ond wish would be equal pay. From early Novem­ber on, Aus­tralian women ef­fec­tively stopped earn­ing for the year in relation to men. But a trea­surer called Josephine Hockey would put an end to fe­male debt-lag.

Fe­male TV chiefs would also level the play­ing field in sport by giv­ing equal broad­cast time to fe­male ath­letes. That would give women a sport­ing chance to at­tract pub­lic in­ter­est, which would lead to more spon­sor­ship deals, which would lead to more me­dia in­ter­est etc...

For fe­males, life is full of lies — I mean doc­tors main­tain that wrin­kles don’t hurt. But with women in charge, beauty man­u­fac­tur­ers won’t be al­lowed to de­ceive us with their ob­fus­ca­tory jar­gon. No longer will we be tricked into spend­ing half our salaries on fancy face creams, hav­ing re­alised that the se­cret of great skin is to be, well, Mediter­ranean.

And what of fash­ion pre­dic­tions for the com­ing year? We all know that trends come in one era and out the other, but if women were in charge, high heels would be­come a low pri­or­ity. With fe­male lead­ers sprint­ing around the G20 in com­fort­able flats, crip­pling stilet­tos would be­come a fash­ion faux pas.

Flat shoes would sell like the hot cakes the men of 2015 will be spend­ing all their time cook­ing, be­cause house­hus­bandry classes will also be manda­tory. (Pun in­tended). Es­pe­cially cook­ing. The great­est aphro­disiac for any fe­male is the sight of a man in a cook­ing apron. Pwhoar!

Speak­ing of sex … in 2015 women will no longer have to fake or­gasms, be­cause men will no longer fake fore­play. Fe­male gen­i­tal ori­en­teer­ing cour­ses will be com­pul­sory.

So­ci­ety’s ob­ses­sion with the bikini wax will also wane. If women rule the world, in the nude it will look as though we’ve each got one of the Jack­son 5, circa 1970, in a head­lock.

There will also be a ban on all mag­a­zines that talk about celebrity body shapes, di­ets, Madonna’s hand wrin­kles, Kim Kar­dashian’s bum or Kate Mid­dle­ton’s baby bump, mak­ing room for more in­tel­lec­tual and stim­u­lat­ing fe­male-friendly con­tent.

There has been a lit­tle con­fu­sion of late over the def­i­ni­tion of a troll. One is short-tem­pered, ugly and lives un­der a bridge. The other is a warped, angry misog­y­nist still liv­ing in his mother’s base­ment, with stale Cheezel crumbs in the cracks of his com­puter keys.

In 2015, be­ing pos­sessed of breasts and an opin­ion, will not au­to­mat­i­cally mean anony­mous abuse.

An all-fe­male High Court will also make sure that rape vic­tims are not bru­talised by “she asked for it” in­sin­u­a­tions. Imag­ine any­one say­ing that in a mur­der trial – “Yes, it was con­sen­sual death.” And while we’re at it, let’s stop blam­ing Eve for the whole Gar­den of Eden evic­tion. That snake should be put on trial for en­trap­ment.

In 2015, I’d like women to feel that ev­ery­thing is pos­si­ble – ex­cept for moun­taineer­ing in stilet­tos and moon land­ing in a ball gown. War, which is clearly male men­stru­a­tion envy, will be passé; tam­pons will be free, wrin­kles cel­e­brated and moth­er­hood the ul­ti­mate ac­co­lade.

It’s only fair that males, who’ve ruled the roost since time be­gan, let women have a go at run­ning the planet. And un­less you blokes agree to give fe­males a turn, well, we’ll be tempted to take the “men” out of Mensa. Kathy Lette’s lat­est novel, Court­ing Trou­ble, is out now.

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