WOMEN WHO HAVE GIVEN birth are better equipped to deal with the vicissitudes of life – after all, we’ve experienced acute pain and been stitched up. If what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, then mothers are made of titanium.
That’s why my wish for 2015 is that women are given a turn at running the world. Just as magazines occasionally have a guest editor, just imagine for a moment if women could have a “guest edit” of the globe.
What with the state of the Middle, sorry, the Muddle East, melting polar caps, geographical kleptomaniacs like rootin’, tootin’, shootin’ Putin and financial meltdowns fuelled by macho bankers’ fraudulent mortgage scams – we girls can’t possibly do a worse job than you blokes!
The question on the minds of most women is why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs? So, my first female-friendly wish for 2015 is that scientists will discover that kale was fattening all along and cake is nature’s penicillin. My second wish would be equal pay. From early November on, Australian women effectively stopped earning for the year in relation to men. But a treasurer called Josephine Hockey would put an end to female debt-lag.
Female TV chiefs would also level the playing field in sport by giving equal broadcast time to female athletes. That would give women a sporting chance to attract public interest, which would lead to more sponsorship deals, which would lead to more media interest etc...
For females, life is full of lies — I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt. But with women in charge, beauty manufacturers won’t be allowed to deceive us with their obfuscatory jargon. No longer will we be tricked into spending half our salaries on fancy face creams, having realised that the secret of great skin is to be, well, Mediterranean.
And what of fashion predictions for the coming year? We all know that trends come in one era and out the other, but if women were in charge, high heels would become a low priority. With female leaders sprinting around the G20 in comfortable flats, crippling stilettos would become a fashion faux pas.
Flat shoes would sell like the hot cakes the men of 2015 will be spending all their time cooking, because househusbandry classes will also be mandatory. (Pun intended). Especially cooking. The greatest aphrodisiac for any female is the sight of a man in a cooking apron. Pwhoar!
Speaking of sex … in 2015 women will no longer have to fake orgasms, because men will no longer fake foreplay. Female genital orienteering courses will be compulsory.
Society’s obsession with the bikini wax will also wane. If women rule the world, in the nude it will look as though we’ve each got one of the Jackson 5, circa 1970, in a headlock.
There will also be a ban on all magazines that talk about celebrity body shapes, diets, Madonna’s hand wrinkles, Kim Kardashian’s bum or Kate Middleton’s baby bump, making room for more intellectual and stimulating female-friendly content.
There has been a little confusion of late over the definition of a troll. One is short-tempered, ugly and lives under a bridge. The other is a warped, angry misogynist still living in his mother’s basement, with stale Cheezel crumbs in the cracks of his computer keys.
In 2015, being possessed of breasts and an opinion, will not automatically mean anonymous abuse.
An all-female High Court will also make sure that rape victims are not brutalised by “she asked for it” insinuations. Imagine anyone saying that in a murder trial – “Yes, it was consensual death.” And while we’re at it, let’s stop blaming Eve for the whole Garden of Eden eviction. That snake should be put on trial for entrapment.
In 2015, I’d like women to feel that everything is possible – except for mountaineering in stilettos and moon landing in a ball gown. War, which is clearly male menstruation envy, will be passé; tampons will be free, wrinkles celebrated and motherhood the ultimate accolade.
It’s only fair that males, who’ve ruled the roost since time began, let women have a go at running the planet. And unless you blokes agree to give females a turn, well, we’ll be tempted to take the “men” out of Mensa. Kathy Lette’s latest novel, Courting Trouble, is out now.