There are the same bored imports, the same sycophantic speeches and the same tedious awards for the same unworthy shows. Gotta love TV’s night of nights
It’s Logies time, so who will win – for weirdest outfit, biggest drunk, and most outrageous onstage swearing?
There are not too many national awards nights which pay tribute to a key player whose name is a slang word for underwear. That’s the Logies for you. This year TV’s night of nights will showcase the amazing work of the late Reg Grundy, whose name is immortalised in the rhyming slang term for undies – Grundies. Tomorrow night sit back and drink in the awkward scripted jokes, ridiculous fashions and the incoherent ramblings of TV hits and has-beens.
Remember model Jesinta Franklin (nee Campbell) in that pond-scum green dress that looked like a cheese grater draped over a swimsuit? And the outfit from Offspring’s Asher Keddie, which seemed to have her internal organs depicted in delicate yellow lace? And there’s always the overseas guests who are well-known enough to be invited, cheap enough to be affordable, and desperate enough to say yes. Such guests are renowned for being drunk on stage and failing to show the reverence producers would prefer.
People are still talking about comedian Joan Rivers, who remarked on stage that no one knew who she was and she didn’t know who anyone else was. Rivers, who died in 2014, received a pink Logie, which she said was the “ugliest award I’ve ever seen” and then flung it over her shoulder. “You can get it on eBay tomorrow,” she said.
Another overseas liability was Mod Squad’s Michael Cole, who was the first man to use the s-word on Australian TV in 1973. He, too, failed to appreciate the value of his award; he left it in a hotel lobby and couldn’t be bothered going back to get it, even when he sobered up.
Things sure have changed – there are the same bored imports, the same sycophantic speeches and the same tedious awards for the same unworthy shows. But at least now swearing is a given; it’s thought Julia Morris’s f-bomb from 2016 was even part of the script.
Occasionally there are some moments at the Logies that are full of meaning and come to define the entire evening, such as The Project host Carrie Bickmore putting on a beanie for brain cancer awareness. But usually there are no surprises, and for most of us the night merely involves eating Tim Tams on the couch in our pyjamas yelling at the screen because we have to watch some over-rated TV hack feign surprise and humility as they accept their award for Most Exploitative Dating Show or Most Annoying Quiz Show Host. Most viewers don’t vote, but still maintain the right to criticise each and every nominee, award and winner. These are the people who watch the show ironically, spending more time keeping an eye on the mean tweets sent out by secondrate comedians not popular enough to be at the actual event.
This year there’s a record 27 categories, so we need all the additional entertainment we can get. Those who do vote are most likely to be pensioner TV Week readers dutifully cutting out their coupons and teenage schoolgirls who will vote as many times as their internet server will allow. This is why the Logies are not so much about who’s best or most popular, but who’s got the biggest publicity machine behind them. A lack of actual on-screen viewers seems to be no bar to success, which is lucky because many of the most feted winners are hardly watched by anyone at all.
Last year’s big hit The Project is watched by just half a million people nationally, including just 44,000 in Adelaide. But the viewers it does have are very passionate, so it’s bound to do well again, especially in the Gold Logie category, where two of its hosts are nominated.
But don’t feel compelled to tune in tomorrow night. I can save you the time.
Delta Goodrem will perform a power ballad. Julia Morris will be funny and pretend to muck it up while totally nailing it. Jessica Marais, Carrie Bickmore and Asher Keddie will be praised for their bold but flattering fashion. Grant Denyer will get emotional. A model/ actor/presenter will get drunk. And Kerri-Anne Kennerley will be inducted into the Hall of Fame. There you go. Now you are free to binge watch an illegal streaming of the latest
Outlander series on Sunday night instead. Do it wearing your Grundies in a tribute to big Reg.
Jesinta Franklin, Asher Keddie and Joan Rivers Pictures: Getty/AP