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Pat McDermott discovers what really goes on at Book Club meetings.

Dear Pat,

Welcome to the Tuesday Book Club! I’ve told the other members you’d like to join – just in case anyone hates you! Only joking!

See club rules below. Hope you’re a good cook ’cause we’re bored to sobs with carob slice and gluten-free biscuits.

Tuesday Book Club rules:

1 We meet once a month on Tuesdays. This should be obvious but some people still get confused.

2 The hostess of the month provides tea, coffee and a summary of gossip since our previous meeting.

3 Everybody brings homemade treats.

(NB: Feed whatever Meredith brings directly to the dog. Meredith doesn’t mind. She knows she’s an awful cook.)

4 Too busy to bake? Chocolate and a good excuse will get you through the door for a couple of months.

5 Haven’t finished (or started) the book? If you nod thoughtfully from time to time, the others might think you’re deep.

I do this all the time. But then, I am deep. 6 You are allowed to cancel your hosting duties if: l Your house/apartment is on fire l There’s been a death in your family. Yes, this includes dogs and cats. We don’t accept Norwegian second cousins you’ve never met. l A family member has lost their job, a lover or a lot of money. It’s impossible to discuss a racy best-seller around the dining table with someone in pyjamas sobbing on the sofa. Cheers! Cecily Cornforth (Book Club President 2017).

Dear Cecily,

The club sounds fabulous. Are Book Club discussions as heated as I’ve heard? I’ll bring a chocolate slice. I’m semi-famous for it in the immediate family. Pat.

Dear Pat,

The whole point of Book Club is heated discussions! Take last month. We were discussing War and Peace. In the middle of the discussion, Margie tells Jenny her husband, Glen (a lawyer), is suing Jenny’s husband,

Peter (a dentist), for “professional negligence”. That put the cat amongst the pigeons!

Then Suzanne, who never finishes a book anyway, insists that we absolutely must not tell her how War and Peace ends!

“I have 800 pages to go. I don’t want anybody spoiling it!” Can you believe it?

Lynne, who’s very excitable, shouts “Napoleon invades Russia and EVERYBODY DIES!” Well, of course, that totally ruined the book for Suzanne. The afternoon was a debacle. See you soon, Cecily.

PS: If that’s the chocolate slice you used to bring to school cake stalls we’d rather you brought wine. Xx Cecily.

Despite the MOTH (the Man of the House) telling me I must be crackers, I joined the Tuesday Book Club anyway. But now we meet on Thursdays. Sadly, I don’t think anyone told Cecily.

“It’s tough in Book Club world,” says Jenny. “Sometimes you leave the club. Sometimes the club leaves you.”

The Thursday Book Club has new rules:

1 The club meets Thursdays at 7pm unless we can’t be bothered, and then we don’t.

2 There is talking from start to finish. We love to complain.

3 Nobody brings food. We order pizza instead.

4 There is “book talking” between “pizza ordering” and “pizza arriving”.

5 If you haven’t read the book of the month you get to take the empty pizza boxes home as punishment.

The Book Club is going amazingly well. Margie and Jenny are talking to each other. Lynne is much calmer. Suzanne says whatever’s in the flask in Lynne’s handbag is certainly helping. Cecily? She stepped down as president. Who knew Thursday was the ONLY night she couldn’t do? We gave her a signed copy of Gone Girl. It seemed, you know, totally appropriate.

If you nod from time to time, the others might think you’re deep.