HUMOUR: trash or treasure?

Marie Kondo and her KonMari method are sparking lots of joy in one household ... but not for the reasons the cleaning guru might think.

Tidy tyrant Marie Kondo has everyone on hands and knees, foraging though cupboards looking for items that “spark joy”. Everything else is to be thrown out. At this juncture it would be easy for me to insert a heap of gags about throwing out toilet cleaning, ironing piles, pap smears, my accountant, waxing down below, continual domestic food preparation/service and one of my four children, because they spark no joy whatsoever.

But I’m beyond cheap gags because this is a serious subject. Marie has really helped me and others like me. Critics say she’s a neat freak who has no right to make anybody feel they’re “hurting” their socks because they’re paired into a conventional ball and not neatly folded twice to stand upright like a Queen’s guard.

But I say no to the naysayers. Let the people believe the magic of tidying up. Let them cull and be free of their unwanted possessions. Expensive clothes purchased but never worn – I say yes, throw. Let go of the vintage Bakelite picnic sets, and please rid your life of the 1960s linen tablecloths printed with classic Australian tourism destinations. Bedside lamps in green plastic that you had in your childhood bedroom in the ’70s or anything made by the company Kartell pre-1989 – don’t hesitate. Throw. It. Out.

Quilted 100 per cent polyester highly flammable dressing gowns in purple and red (particularly ones made into pantsuits), why they have to go immediately. And I don’t think there’s any room in your life for your collection of retro kitchen aprons – I mean, surely they’re weighing you down? How many crochet blankets do you really need? Is old Tupperware really sparking any “joy”? Same for those ’50s kitchen canisters ... seriously? Beaded jewellery, old brooches, hand-knitted jumpers, vintage beach umbrellas, Royal family memorabilia (particularly Charles and Di), vinyl records, Oroton scarves, old hats and leather gloves – why you simply must throw them to the nearest op shop.

But do me a favour and make it near me, because I want them.

I’m not a hoarder living in a house stuffed with old newspaper cuttings and car bonnets, but Marie Kondo has helped me recognise that I have a problem ... hello, my name’s Amanda and I’m an op-shopper. I’m happy with my addiction and the intense thrill of the hunt and purchase –

I’m sure it far outweighs any joy I’d receive living in a house with one vase, three kitchen utensils, upright socks and 30 books. Maximum.

I’m surrounded by stuff, a collection of objects that often serve no purpose but to evoke memories. Every room, every nook and cranny is crammed with something that means nothing to anybody but me and hopefully, my family. Kondo would go loco, but I think it’s important to have things that tell stories, hold secrets and carry history. Houses are so dull nowadays; it’s all white kitchens, white bathrooms, ecru carpets and butlers’ pantries without any sign of a butler.

I want some colour, movement and mess in my life, so you guys just keep getting rid of yours. Us op-shoppers love you. We’ve never had such rich pickings.

I might even write a book, The Life Changing Magic of Not Tidying Up. I’m sure it will “spark” lots of “joy” for some, and if it doesn’t? Well, you can always donate it to an op-shop, I’m sure somebody else will treasure your trash.

ABOUT THE WRITER Amanda Blair lives in Adelaide with her four children and a husband she quite likes when she sees him.