HUMOUR:

Amanda’s making a list and checking it twice to make every mum’s dream day come true.

Amanda Blair knows what mums really, really want

Fluffy slippers, dressing gowns, bubble bath and electric foot warmers. Mother’s Day catalogues filled with blenders and sandwich presses sold as gift ideas to “make her life easier” because “she deserves it”. I’ve always found these appliances counter-intuitive. Surely if the kids wanted to make my life easier, they wouldn’t pony up with something that I have to wash and use to make them snacks.

I sound ungrateful; perhaps that’s the wrong word. Empty, that’s a better word. Exhausted, even better. I can’t believe that even on Mother’s Day I have to point out what we mothers want. SURPRISE! It’s not any of the above nor anything to do with burnt toast and tepid tea in bed. What we ladies long for on “our” day is for

SOMEBODY OTHER THAN US TO LIFT A FINGER AROUND HERE. Perhaps it’s my fault,

I haven’t been instructional enough? So to make it simple for you kids, here’s my ultimate, easy to follow Mother’s Day wish list.

1. Flush the toilet. This is a vital step in the bowel/bladder evacuation process and should be completed prior to washing hands. Although it’s lovely for me to be reminded of your lingering presence hours after you’ve gone to school by the delightful aroma of what’s commonly known as a “floater”, I’d appreciate it if my time wasn’t filled up with spot checks of the s-bends.

2. When placing dirty clothing in the basket for washing, would you be so kind as to remove your disgusting snot-filled tissues from your pockets before they go through the cycle? It can’t be that hard to put your hand in your pocket. (Although, to be fair, your father still struggles with that concept, particularly when it relates to purchasing new bed linen.)

3. Still in laundry, can you please make sure your “dirty” clothes are really “dirty”. Wearing clothes for 15 minutes then putting them in the “dirty” basket because it’s easier than putting them in your cupboard makes me want to give you a Chinese burn. Also, getting water on your T-shirt does not mean it’s dirty. Unless the water comes from the Ganges.

4. Please stop losing your drink bottles. I don’t care if it was your favourite one. You took it to school, not me. No, I’m not buying you a $45 one because “you’d care about it more because it’s expensive”.

5. If I go to the trouble of making you lunch, eat it. Complaining to me that you’re “starving” when you haven’t eaten lunch makes me want to give you a Chinese burn. On the other arm.

6. Stop coming into my shower and stealing my shampoo. You have your own and yes, mine is more expensive because I have a job and you don’t. Sure, sharing is caring and I’ve drummed this into you since birth, but sometimes I don’t want to share, nor do I care.

7. Pimples are terrible things and I’m sorry you’ve got them. But if you continue to squeeze and leave the remnants on my mirrors to show your siblings how far it went and how much pus came out I’ll squeeze your neck.

8. JUST. PICK. YOUR. STUFF. UP. OFF. THE. FLOOR. AND. STOP. LEAVING. YOUR. SHOES. IN. EVERY. ROOM. INCLUDING. THE. TOILET.

9. Dishwashers don’t wash the dishes sitting on top of them. Dishes need to be placed inside the dishwasher. Genius.

10. PUT DOWN your phone. TURN OFF the TV. GET OUT of your room and come here IMMEDIATELY. Now give your old cheese a hug and kiss. I want you to know no matter how much mess you create or how many gifts you leave in the lavatory, you’re still the best present I’ve ever received. Yes, even better than a dressing gown. Just. AWW