PAT MCDERMOTT: the empty nest is full again

When the family returns home, it can bring up some unexpected challenges.

“Where’s the wasabi?” shouts a voice from the kitchen. One of our adult children is cooking – or at least unpacking – sushi which amounts to the same thing if you’re over 18 and under 30.

I hate wasabi questions. In fact, I hate wasabi – it reminds me of the green goo we squeezed out of tubes for kids to finger paint with. But the kids in the kitchen are not the toddlers who threw ‘wobblies’ in the supermarket aisle and were easily bribed into silence with packets of Tiny Teddies.

Nor are they the darling, grumpy adolescents who were nice to us because they needed to borrow the car. These are kids in adult clothing. They’re only back temporarily, you understand. There’s the car to register, the degree to finish, the bond that hasn’t been returned, the job to find, face masks to wear and the small matter of the credit card.

But, when everything’s back to normal, quick as a flash, they’ll be out of the house again.

In the meantime they simply cannot believe we have no wasabi!

“There’s no fresh coriander,” says someone else. “AND the mushrooms are mushy.”

“I have no fresh basil either,” I sang out. “And before you ask I have no parsley, sage, rosemary or thyme, but I could probably hum a few bars.”

“It’s only a matter of ‘thyme’ before they find out the Milo is running low!” the MOTH (Man of the House) joked.

Not that we see them a lot. It’s pretty obvious they find our lifestyle, opinions, taste in clothes, furniture and food pretty boring. They’re in and out a great deal and when they’re here they’re busy processing endless loads of laundry.

A little borrowing of money or cars is also taking place. But in return they’ve generously agreed to politely criticise everything we wear and most of what we say or do.

But in these tough times we all need to play nicely together, so here’s a few home rules.

Parents’ rules

1. We agree to restrict advice about iron tablets, hand washing, saving money and future plans to one suggestion or comment per day.

2. We will not offer advice, however insightful, early in the morning, late at night or as you’re running out the door.

3. We agree budget toilet paper lacks a certain ‘something’.

4. We promise we won’t pass off

‘no name’ corn chips as the real thing or try to answer your mobile phone. Ever.

5. Our wine cellar is your wine cellar. Our beer fridge is your beer fridge. Everything in the pantry is yours, too. We understand the wine, beer or food purchased by you is yours alone. (Unless it is our wedding anniversary and we’re desperate.)

6. We will remind ourselves, during stressful moments, that we love you. From time to time we might even tell you this. But never when you’re running late or anyone else is present.

Adult children’s rules

1. We won’t object to you giving us advice, because it goes in one ear and out the other anyway.

2. We’ll stop complaining about the size of our childhood bedroom given the going price of a one-bedroom flat.

3. We’ll be patient with your constant attempts to turn off lights and heaters. I mean, who knew you had to pay for electricity?

4. You can continue to call us Pinky or Poopsy or even Ruff Red. But not in public!

5. We won’t tell you how much we love you when you are opening bills or after pranging the car.

6. If we want wasabi we’ll damn well buy it ourselves! AWW