SORRY, NOT SORRY: why it’s time to stop apologising

In their hit podcast Playing Devil’s Avocado, Claire Isaac and Lisa Sinclair ponder many of life’s most pressing issues. In this exclusive extract from their new book How Not to Live Your Best Life, they pose the question: Why do women say sorry so often? And how can we stop this apologetic habit?

We spoke on the podcast once about how we constantly apologise for things. And when we say we, we mean, one of us in particular … we shall call her Claire (because that’s her name). In fact, when she calls people on the phone she’s even been known to say, “Hello, sorry!”, and when she needs to address something at work, or when she’s giving someone great news or when, you know, it’s raining, the rst thing out of her mouth is quite often an apology. Walking down the street and bump into someone? Sorry!

Calling someone at work to sort out a meeting? Sorry! Organising something with another department and need to nalise details? Sorry!

And while she’s really, well, irritating about it, you won’t be surprised to know that Claire is not alone. Women in general are mad for it. We just love saying sorry. Gah!

We asked psychologist Noosha Anzab, who works for online psychologists Lysn, and corporate coach Amanda Blesing to talk to us about women and the phenomenon of over-apologising.

“There are loads of reasons why both men and women practise the habit of over-apologising. However, women do tend to be more apologetic in their actions than men,” Noosha confirmed.

Yep.

“From the time we were girls, women have been programmed this way. We were to be smart, but apologetic if it was too smart (or intimidating), we were to be driven and ambitious, but then taught that being too successful is A Bad Thing, that we should apologise simply because we are considerate or understanding or empathetic, because that’s what a woman is meant to be. Ample research shows that girls are rewarded when they sit with other people’s feelings and are compassionate and understanding, whereas boys are rewarded when they are strong or dominating their space.”

Amanda agrees. “Over-apologising appears to be a stereotypically female thing to do. We’re surrounded by it

– in queues when we need to move through, in meetings when we want to

interrupt or state a strong opinion, when we run late, in planes when your elbow bumps the person next to you on the teeny, tiny arm rest. Maybe the airlines should simply make bigger arm rests, or put a barrier so you can’t bump the person next to you. Or perhaps we learn to navigate the space together without saying sorry – like men do.”

“If we look at it from a workplace point of view,” says Noosha, “if a woman had to pick her child up from childcare due to him/her being sick – she would apologise profusely for suddenly having to leave work, would feel guilty and would say something along the lines of, ‘My child is sick but I’m so sorry, I have to leave, I’ve got to pick him/her up’, apologise again and dash off. Whereas most men in the workplace would just say, ‘My child’s sick, I’ve got to dash off, but I’ll complete x task tomorrow.’

It’s more matter-of-fact and usually doesn’t come with a disclaimer.”

And, adds Amanda, we apologise for everything that seems to require something polite to be said.

“Yes, when we want to move past someone who is blocking our way, when we are bumped or surprised as though it was our fault, for landing a strong or contrary opinion, for not

tting the mould, for not being good enough, for being too good.”

Honestly it’s all just too exhausting. And to be honest it means women (and yes, some men!) can come across as weak and certainly not genuine.

“When you over-apologise, you undermine your credibility, leaving people doubting that you know what you’re talking about or that you’re any good at all. It makes you appear weak, lacking in con dence and less leaderly,” Amanda says.

OK, so we (and by “we” in this instance we mean, well, Claire) just have to stop. Right? Let’s do what we deserve and dominate the space too. Unapologetically. Unless we have run over someone’s dog or something, obvs. Can we change?

“We can absolutely learn to stop saying it so much – it just takes patience, time, practice and being mindful,” says Noosha. “Being aware of when you say it and why is a great way to unpack the cause of the faulty behaviour.”

“One way to do it is to put ‘sorry’ on trial,” Noosha suggests. “In any situation that you have been in where you feel propelled to apologise, and have often done so, after the fact, ask to put it on trial and see if there is enough evidence to have warranted the apology. If not, make a mental note that it wasn’t warranted and keep doing it each time. Eventually the evidence will deem an apology not necessary.”

“Another way to train your brain to stop saying sorry is to replace the word with thank you. Instead of saying sorry for being late, try saying ‘Thank you for waiting for me.’” Oh yes, we knew that one.

A friend of ours, we shall call her Fiona (because that’s her name) told us she stopped saying, “Sorry it took me so long to get back to you,” and replaced it with, “Thank you for your patience while I had a look at this.” So inspiring.

And there are more, says Amanda. “Gratitude, graciousness and excuse me are fabulous tools. Say thank you in place of sorry and you can almost feel yourself reclaim your power.”

Phrases like “thank you for your patience”, “thanks for waiting for me” and “thanks for being accommodating” are just the tip of the iceberg. Never mind “thanks for ignoring that snoring …”

Yep, instead of saying, ‘Sorry I’ve been going on a bit …”, saying “Thank you for listening to me!” is so much fun. Instead of saying, “Sorry I got that wrong,” why not say “Thank you for bringing that to my attention.”

It. Is. So. Damn. Freeing!

Amanda agrees. “In a nutshell – replacing thank you for sorry nine times out of 10 will deliver you a far better result, and mean you can save sorry for the times when an apology is truly warranted and it really matters. It will mean more if you do.”

Of course, if you have done something terrible (squishing Fido, for instance), apologise away. We’re not psychos, for crying out loud.

Thank you for listening. Ooh, now THAT felt good. AWW

“Another way to stop saying sorry is to replace it with thank you.”