Humour: it’s a wrap for Amanda Blair’s teenage kids
A new craze has taken over the world of tweens and teens … and it’s causing parents to get rather hot under the collar.
Birthday money should be banned. Children should not be allowed to receive wads of cash from relatives and friends tired of searching for appropriate gifts for tweens and teens. Sure, it’s a difficult age to shop for, and there are only so many trips to Big W and Target one can manage in one’s lifetime before losing one’s mind, but cash isn’t King, it’s lazy. We’re currently living with the consequences of birthday coin being used to make purchases that were not parentally approved.
We are wrestling with, suffocating on and tripping over the problem actually, and I’m being driven insane by the sight of four children wandering around our house in the gift their birthday cash enabled the purchase of: OODIES.
You may not have heard of the latest “fad” item, so let me explain. An Oodie follows the same path as the other great winter warmer, the Snuggie, which was big around 10 years ago: a fleecy, shapeless garment with sleeves and a hood that the makers suggest should be worn at home, in the caravan, after school, while watching TV etc. It’s not a blanket and it’s not a hoodie. Nay, it’s an OODIE.
And wearing one is like wearing “a warm, colourful hug”.
They come in two sizes – shapeless or mini shapeless – and the outside features an assortment of cutesy designs like koalas, unicorns, corgis and, more aptly, the sloth.
They suggest this garment solves all your problems, like, “What to wear after work?”, which I can honestly say is not a problem I’ve ever had. Usually, I just keep my clothes on, which enables me to complete simple domestic tasks and also leave the house should the need arise. But not my children – they’re a sucker for marketing. So, the minute they come home, they put their Oodie on “because that’s what they suggest” and fall into a world of relaxation and inactivity. They can’t do anything to help around the home because “I’ve got my Oodie on now” and their sedative quality causes the kids to lie down more than they sit up. I regularly walk into the house and find all four prostrate in various areas, flushed and gently panting from mild overheating. Perhaps their torpid states are caused by the weight of these bulky garments made from the very best unnatural fibres – it’s akin to wearing a fleecy weight belt.
When it comes time for me to wash the Oodie – usually because Vegemite is smeared on the front (even though
I’ve told them 1000 times you don’t eat in an Oodie) – if aliens were observing Earth, they’d wonder why a woman was struggling to stuff live sheep into a front loader.
“Line dry” is suggested to ensure the fibres remain “cuddly”, so the ENTIRE clothesline is taken up with one Oodie at a time and dependent on weather conditions, they can stay there for days, drying out like fruit straps.
During these times, my children suffer Oodie withdrawal. They spend considerable time staring at the clothesline while shouting: “I don’t know what to wear without it”; “I can’t relax, help me, Mum” and “Make it dry faster as I’m freezing TO DEATH”, which is slightly dramatic as we have central heating and I’m not afraid to use it.
My Facebook feed is flooded with parents wanting to know if they should make a purchase. To you I say this: Oodies, fidget spinners, slap bands, slinkies, novelty socks, Trolls … You know this phase will come to an end as fast as it started. You’ll be the bunny left to schlep these to the op shop. In the meantime, go for it. The fact that the kids are quiet and sedated is as rare as a pink moon and it’s nice to have some peace in the house. No shouting, no fighting, no complaining. Just the quiet purring of overheated, inactive children. That’s the best birthday present ever.