Great Scott!

Denise Scott finds there’s at least one dry eye in the house.

This month I was made aware, in no uncertain terms, I was not getting any younger. I’d been on TV, and afterwards checked Twitter for audience feedback – don’t judge me, I’m only human!

The first comment, and I stress I’m not making any of this up, was: “What’s with Denise Scott’s droopy left eye? I’m worried!”

So was I! Until that moment I had no idea that I had a droopy left eye.

The next comment read: “She may have had a stroke.” Good grief! Had I? A third person added: “It could be a series of mini strokes and she doesn’t even know.” The final tweet confidently proclaimed: “Well, it looks like Bell’s Palsy to me.”

Hells bells – palsy or otherwise - I immediately booked an appointment with my GP. She promptly declared: “It’s ‘dry eye’, Denise. Quite common, in older women.” I was shocked. Dry eye! For the love of God was there no part of my body that had any moisture left? Not even my eyeballs?

The doctor then announced: “However, I am concerned about how pale you look,” whereupon she marched me straight to pathology for blood tests.

Days later the doctor rang: “You have no iron, Denise.” “I know. Why do you think my clothes are always creased?” Boom … tish! A bad joke to be sure. That’s what low iron does apparently – affects your IQ. There followed a gastroscopy and colonoscopy – thankfully no cancer, but the tests did turn up some fascinating results.

To summarise, I currently have a small hernia, advanced reflux, polyps, low iron, and a left eye that needs to be manually held open. Add to that list my already existing arthritis, facial hair and poor eyesight, and it’s safe to say that ageing really is the gift that keeps on giving. I’d almost be tempted to cry if I had any water in my eyeballs.