The born identity

RAISING BOYS VS GIRLS IS ALL ABOUT PERSONALITIES RATHER THAN TIRED CLICHES, WRITES MERCEDES MAGUIRE

Everywhere we look we see images of gender roles being reinforced. But when it comes to raising children, experts say it’s not all blue and pink. Experts say it’s the individuality of children and not their gender that we should focus on. Child psychologist and best-selling author Steve Biddulph says we should parent all children the same way. “Ninety per cent of parenting is about the same things,” he said.

EVERYWHERE we look we see images of gender roles being reinforced – a mum pushing a pram, a boy kicking a ball, a little girl dressed in pink. But when it comes to raising children, experts say it’s not all blue and pink.

Most parents will agree the experience of raising a boy will be different to raising a girl. But it is also true no two children are the same. And it’s this individuality, not their sex, we should focus on, experts say.

It may be true girls are more likely to suffer emotional bullying and boys physical bullying. And it’s true girls may be more concerned with body image than boys. But not always. Child psychologist and best-selling author Steve Biddulph says, in general, we should parent all children the same way.

“Kids are kids and 90 per cent of parenting is about the same things – being positive and affirming and warm, but still have boundaries,” says Biddulph ahead of the re-release of his popular parenting book Raising Boys In The 21st Century.

“But gender science has surged ahead and what we now know from science and from observation is that gender is not binary in that there are two distinct genders.

“The genders are on a continuum, but there are still two big bumps on that continuum where we can say ‘most boys’ and ‘most girls’. But whenever you say ‘boys do this’ or ‘boys are like that’, it should mean ‘most boys, and some girls, too’.”

But, he warns, we can’t simply ignore gender and that there are risks specific to boys and girls.

“The science on gender has been giving some startling insights into why we still have a lot of problems (with boys and girls),” he says. “For boys, it’s around behaviour; being able to learn at school and, when older, with violence and suicide.

“And for girls, it’s more around anxiety and stress, selfharm and eating disorders. Our attempts to raise kids all the same haven’t solved these,” Biddulph says.

“So I wrote Raising Boys to break that logjam, to say sometimes you have to match your methods to the creature you’re dealing with. And if that creature is a very boyish boy, you have to know what that means.”

Warren Cann, a director at the Raising Children Network, isn’t so sure.

He says parenting styles should be blind to gender.

“Fundamentally, parents are raising little human beings and effective parenting is exactly the same for both boys and girls,” he says.

“Essentially, personality and temperament should always trump gender … It’s the individual personality that is important, not the gender.”

Author and parenting expert Michael Carr-Gregg believes when you parent specific to gender, you reinforce stereotypes, which could hinder a child’s development and ignore the individual psychology of the child.

His mantra, which supports the fact all children are individuals, is parents need to be the world expert on their child in order to parent them to the best of their ability.

“We’re getting better in that regard,” Carr-Gregg says.

“In past generations we had a whole set of assumptions and beliefs, often based on gender stereotypes, that guided how parents parented.

Steve Biddulph has given excellent advice on parenting boys, and in particular the importance for them to have contact with their fathers.

“Growing up, I knew a lot of boys that hardly saw their fathers and there was the whole approach of ‘wait till your father gets home’ labelling the father as the disciplinarian.

“That has largely changed today and fathers are more involved in the lives of their children. But by the same token, Steve (Biddulph) points out the importance of a father in a girl’s life and how positive that can be.”

Biddulph says the main differences when it comes to boys and girls is that they grow and develop at different rates.

In his new book, he points to the latest research on the development of a boy’s brain.

“One of the leading neuroscientists in the world, Professor Allan Schore, recently surveyed the research in this area and stated the differences