The bottom feeders of crisis
WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A VERY BAD FLU OUTBREAK, NOT A GASTRIC EPIDEMIC REQUIRING EVERY PERSON IN AUSTRALIA TO USE THREE ROLLS OF DUNNY PAPER A DAY
THERE is no toilet paper shortage. Shelves are empty because 95 per cent of the country’s bog rolls are being horded by five per cent of people lucky enough to get to the shops in time to fill three trolleys full of two-ply extrasoft.
They’re the bottom-feeders of the coronavirus.
Australians fancy themselves as hardy outback survivors, but we’re bulk-buying dunny paper at the first hint of having to survive inside the comfort of our own homes for a week or two.
We’re in the middle of a very bad flu outbreak, not a gastric epidemic requiring every person in Australia to use three rolls of dunny paper a day.
But who cares about facts when you’re down to your last few sheets?
How bizarre that when Prime Minister Scott Morrison told us to go about our “business in the normal way”, he was referring to us panicloading on toot rolls, not infection rates or mass gatherings?
While the big-spenders suffering from a bad dose of poo paper-panic are struggling to get through the front door because of the 17 stacks of 48-roll blocks in their living rooms, everyone else is on rations.
In some houses, things are getting so dire they’re thinking of going back to the old days when newsprint was cut up in squares and hung on a nail on the dunny door.
The NT News took this one step further last week, adding eight pages of newsprint to one edition, even marking out the squares.
It’s kind on the wallet and the planet but a little rough on the rear end.
People were told there wouldn’t be any shortages of toilet paper, but that hasn’t stop them being worried about shortages, so they’ve bought up big, guaranteeing there are shortages.
According to one toilet paper maker, the biggest buyers are in Toorak, where you’d think people could afford to buy a new bottom if their existing one was dirty.
The idea of being caught short is sending people into a frenzy of doomsday prepping and lawlessness.
Hashtag #toiletpaper is trending on Twitter and toilet paper sales are going gangbusters online. Packs that would have sold for $10 last week are now going for $100 or more.
eBay officials were forced to step in and stop bidding on a $100,000 bulkorder of 48 rolls. Can you imagine? Standard postage was just $8.95, but the paper was $2000 a roll.
Some wag even posted one single sheet “as new” for $500.
There are scenes of chaos around the country, mostly involving middleaged men in hiking shorts, singlets and velcro sandals fighting over the last family-sized packs of Sorbent on the shelves. Those men were so determined to secure their family’s toilet paper supplies that some even threw punches. The lawlessness of the velcro vigilantes knows no bounds. Don’t come between them and 24-pack of Kleenex triple-ply.
One frustrated wannabe paper hoarder pulled a knife at one supermarket in Sydney, and another man had to be tasered by police in the sanitary supplies aisle. The 50-year-old man ended the day with two counts of common assault and resisting an officer in execution of duty. Even worse, he went home empty-handed, without any toilet paper to show for his efforts. I must admit I’ve been getting a bit nervous myself. I refuse to get up at 3am to rush to the 24-hr Kmart to panic-buy a year’s supply of extrathick multi-ply, so loo roll stocks in the O’Brien household are running a little low …
It’s not helped by our new puppy, who ate two rolls of Quilton three-ply for dinner last night. So far, I have resisted the urge to make my kids scrape the bigger shredded pieces from the bathroom floor and reuse them.
Luckily, my friends Carol and Steph saw the puppy photos on Facebook and felt my pain. They came to the rescue and left a 32-roll block on my front doorstep.
That’s more than 5000 sheets of strong, absorbent softness. Ahhh, bliss. Better than diamonds, let me tell you.
It’s easy for me to bag those bulkbuying toilet paper when someone else is doing the bulk-buying for me.
There’s no doubt the Great Toilet Paper Apocalypse of 2020 will not go down as one of our great moments in history.
Oh well, at least we’re not as dumb as the Americans who think Corona beer is to blame for the virus.