IS NEST PARENTING THE SOLUTION IN A SPLIT?

Afew years ago, I stumbled across an article about nest parenting, and although my husband and I were/are still together, the concept piqued my interest.

Nest parenting is a child-centred custody solution for separated parents. Traditionally when separation or divorce occurs, children often find themselves moving back and forth between their parents’ new homes. In a nest arrangement, the children stay in the family home and the parents take turns living with them.

When not with their children, the parents can either live at another shared property or they can have their own separate dwelling.

For all our married life I’ve driven my husband crazy asking him hypothetical questions: how long would you take to find someone else if I died? If I committed a very serious crime, would you stand by me? If you had 10 days to live, what would you do? You get the idea.

He hates it. But when I asked him if nest parenting was something we would consider for our three children if we ever split up, he actually played the game. Because what is more important than your kids’ happiness and security, right?

We thought about the logistics — while our sons stayed in our current home, where would we go? The preferred option would definitely be that we each get our own places to put our mark on and make a home, but the fact of the matter is our budget likely wouldn’t stretch to this.

Instead, we would have to either couch surf, go back to living with parents or share the second dwelling and take turns there as well. To be honest, the idea of sharing a home with your ex — even if you never lived there at the same time — didn’t sound hugely appealing, but if it was the best solution for our children, we like to think we’d give it a try.

Separation and divorce can be a hugely traumatic time for everyone, but especially the kids, therefore being able to stay in their own home with all their things and familiar surroundings can only be a good thing.

Then again, isn’t the wellbeing of the children often dependent on the wellbeing of the parents? And I can imagine all sorts of conflicts could arise if the adults involved aren’t on the same page about how the family household will run, what share of bills each parent pays, discipline and house rules, etc.

That’s when my writer’s brain kicked in and I thought this relatively new custody arrangement sounded fabulous in theory but could probably be quite fraught in practice and would therefore be an interesting concept to explore in a novel.

The result was Flying The Nest, the story of a woman whose life is turned upside down when her husband suggests they try nest parenting, although she had no idea their relationship was in trouble. As she struggles to come to terms with the end of her marriage and navigate shared custody with her ex, she’s forced to look deep inside herself and discover who she is, or, who she wants to be.

As research I spoke to a number of couples involved in this scenario, only one of whom had been doing it longer than a few months. All agreed the most important thing for success was setting up clear rules about how the household would run and having a plan with all these rules and details documented so that everyone involved knows what to expect and what is expected of them.

Personally, I think if my husband and I ever decided to split up, a nest parenting custody arrangement is definitely something we would attempt, but whether or not we’d be successful is anyone’s guess.

I think nest parenting is probably a good temporary solution to ease children into a new family dynamic, but one that it may be hard to continue indefinitely.

Flying The Nest by Rachael Johns, published by HQ Fiction, is out now.