Put sleep issues to bed

CONSIDERING A SLEEP DIVORCE MAY BOOST YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR HEALTH

For many of us, getting a good night’s rest is a challenge. Inadequate sleep affects 33-45 per cent of the population, according to the most recent 2016 Sleep Health Survey of Australian Adults. For some, that’s simply because of being woken up by an errant arm hitting your face or your partner going to the bathroom.

But there are many other reasons why Aussies don’t get enough sleep.

Snoring is one, with frequent loud snoring reported by 24 per cent of men and 17 per cent of women, and significant insomnia affecting about 20 per cent. Other common issues include illness, shift work, sleep apnoea, restless legs syndrome, drinking too much alcohol, conditions which flare up at night such as arthritis, and taking certain medications.

There are also differences between people: while one partner may be a morning type, waking up early and disturbing their partner, the other may be a night owl, waking the other when coming to bed.

The problem appears to be getting worse. Researchers from Flinders University, The University of Adelaide, and the Appleton Institute of CQ University found in a 2019 survey around 60 per cent of people report at least one sleep symptom occurring three or more times per week affecting their ability to live a healthy, happy life. And with the pandemic into its second year, months of social distancing, lockdowns, working from home, and home schooling have rocked our routines and contributed to insomnia. It’s been dubbed “coronasomnia” or “Covid-somnia” by experts.

An August 2020 study from the University of Southampton in the UK reported the number of people experiencing insomnia has risen from one in six, to one in four.

Becoming over-tired can lead to problems with your health, mental health, and put a strain on relationships, while also making a person more accident prone, judgment impaired, and more likely to make mistakes and bad decisions. So what can you do?

The answer for some couples, even after many blissful years together, is a “sleep divorce” – sleeping in a separate bed, or a separate room. And far from being a death-knell to a relationship, experts are now saying it can make for a happier one.

DO’S

Communicate: Deciding to sleep apart can be confronting, says Elisabeth Shaw, chief executive of Relationships Australia and a clinical and counselling psychologist. “It is all about communication,” she says, “with both parties understanding and accepting the reasons why, and discussing all the positives and negatives. Also, any negatives need ongoing management and review.” Be more creative around intimacy: “This can actually add some unexpected anticipation and excitement to a relationship,” Shaw explains. “For example, inviting the other into bed for sex, or reading or enjoying an evening cuddle together before going to the other bed or other room.”

Mix it up: Dr Alix Mellor, a research fellow and sleep expert within the sleep theme at the Turner Institute for Brain and Mental Health at Monash University, says sleeping separately doesn’t have to happen every night. “Weekends might be more relaxed and a good time to share a bed one night,” Mellor says.

DON’TS

Be pushy: Mellor says it’s not always good if one partner drives the decision to sleep apart. “Both individuals should be on board,” she says, “to avoid any feelings of rejection or abandonment.”

Ignore the issues: “Not getting help, taking it personally, not following advice on things to try, and insisting on staying in the same bed will ultimately wear your relationship very thin,” Shaw says. “If one of you has trouble sleeping, then it is better to have an individual plan for that which may involve separate time out of bed, and which is agreed between you.”

Avoid treatment: Mellor says research has found relationship satisfaction increases if the partner with the sleep problem gets treatment.

If you are experiencing insomnia, you may be eligible to take part in new research at Monash University in 2022 investigating sleep and emotions, which includes treatment for insomnia. Visit insomnia.org.au to register your interest