Things to consider when hunting for a home or unit with a partner
YOU might be a perfect match, but it doesn’t mean you’ll have the same wants and needs when it comes to where you live and the property you settle in.
Here’s your road map to compromise and common ground when you’re house hunting with a mate.
When it comes to the location of your dream home, you love the beach, he loves the urban buzz; you want to be near (or far!) away from your mum’s house, and he wants easy accessibility to bike paths.
Inside the Casa de Fantasy, he fancies a man cave to quietly tinker away in, while you dream of a full size luxury bathtub; you want an openplan kitchen with shiny European knobs, and he desires privacy from potentially nosy neighbours.
Whether you are moving out for the first time with your new sweetheart, or buying a home with your long-term spouse, we all need to find ways to negotiate our dream home wish list.
When tempers fray and
differences of opinion become frequent visitors to the relationship, it’s not uncommon to secretly wish our partner simply thought more like us.
Surely then, we could both agree on what really matters and let go of what doesn’t?
But life in a partnership ain’t like that and it’s pretty safe to assume our partner has life experiences, values, dreams, and priorities different to our own.
It’s no surprise then that some of these differences can play havoc when we are looking to buy, rent, or renovate a home together.
However the presence of conflict and having distinct needs isn’t the enemy, but the way we manage such differences can be.
Finding and creating a home means different things to each of us.
Learn to be curious with each other, and instead of getting caught up on what you don’t agree on, focus on trying to foster understanding about what’s so meaningful about the other one’s wish list.
Behind most relationship complaints and criticisms is often an unmet need desperate to be filled.
Instead of adopting a solution-focused lens, make it your job to find out more about why it really matters to your mate.
Perhaps an open-plan kitchen is desired because of a deep love of cooking and sharing with family and friends.
Maybe proximity to a bike path is wanted as a practical means to exercise on the daily commute in order to cope better with the stresses of a demanding job.
Have each partner make a list of all the things they dream of in a home – no holds barred. Then have each person rank their list to help clarify which ones matter most.
Look at each list’s top three items, with a view to understanding and meeting the combined six most highly ranked items.
Most importantly, shine the light on your shared ability to listen and understand each other, even when you can’t fulfil each other’s every whim.
Research shows that couples who make at least five positive statements to or about each other for each one negative statement enjoy longer and more satisfying relationships.
Of course we may tick off more items on our dream home wish list if we didn’t need to consider our partner’s needs; however in return, we would miss the intimacy, belonging, learning, insights, and satisfaction that come with sharing life’s inevitably sometimes bumpy journey with a mate.