MORE EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS

Survivor wants schools to play greater role in reducing rates of domestic violence in the community

WHEN Jane* met the man who would later become her husband, she had never heard of the terms “love bombing”, “gaslighting” or “coercive control”.

But those terms quickly became her reality over the course of a decade.

It’s a devastating reality for most, if not all survivors.

Jane, a lawyer with 25 years legal experience, was in her early 30s when she met her now estranged husband in 2002.

She said she was drawn to him in the beginning because of behaviours she now considered to be love bombing.

Love bombing is when someone overwhelms another person with demonstrations of affection as a manipulation technique.

Experts have also identified love bombing as behaviour which forms part of an abuse cycle.

From making her a sandwich for lunch most days to the extra special attention he would pay her in the early parts of their courtship, it was something she had never experienced before.

Three months into dating they were engaged and they married six months later.

“When someone love bombs you, they reel you in and capture you through things like marriage and getting pregnant, and I was all of those things almost immediately,” Jane said.

“As women, we have so many insecurities about the size of our breasts, the colour of our hair, our skin and whether or not we need Botox … so when you finally find this person after all this time who seems to understand you and seemingly accepts you wholeheartedly for who you are, you can’t help but fall for them.”

When the pair got married, Jane said that was when she noticed things started to change.

She said she wasn’t aware she was in a domestic violence relationship until she had left and it was articulated to her by professionals, and for a long time she felt very alone.

Years later when terms such as gaslighting, love bombing and coercive control entered public discussion, Jane said she had experienced a lot of the behaviour.

“I’m a very conservative person – I’m not a risk-taker and I wasn’t in any rush to get married … in the same way I would look at things for a client, I’m usually very cautious and like to observe what’s happening, but it just shows how successful strategies like

love bombing are to lure people in, especially if they have insecurities,” Jane said.

“For a long time I thought my situation was unique, but it isn’t – it’s actually a situation that millions of people share, so it’s not just about looking at the violence, but how we end up in these relationships in the first place.”

Sadly for Jane, her experiences will have an everlasting impact on her life as she con tinues to struggle with post traumatic stress and admits she’s “half the person” she was.

As a survivor, she said she believed slogans that encouraged victims to stand up, speak up and speak out were “ridiculous.”

Jane said education for young people was essential.

“People can only speak about domestic violence in general terms or they risk litigation,” she said.

“It is safer to encourage slogans such as ‘say no to domestic violence’ and educate the community, particularly our young (people), on conflict resolution and what respectful relationships look like.”

Additionally, she said action needed to be taken in professional sports to reduce the amount of violence and discourage young men from thinking that culture was appropriate. “You see rugby players throw punches and then when they walk off the field, they’re back slapping, they’re shaking hands, they’re talking on the microphone and they’re getting applauded … you don’t see that and you will never see that in a professional netball game,” Jane said.

“If we have soldiers who have PTSD, you don’t send them back into a war zone, but here in Australia, if you separate from someone who has perpetrated violence against you and you share children with them, we throw those victims back into the war zone.”

Jane, who now works in the legal profession, said her personal experiences inspired her to help others in a similar situation.

* Names have been changed to protect the victim’s identity