“Here’s what people are secretly thinking about your drink order”

we live in an incredibly judgy society and this article is no exception. Here’s what people are secretly thinking about your drink order:

● Margarita: People think this is a young party person’s drink but at $23 a pop, it’s ended up the Sunday drink for middleclass mums. Give me one margarita and I’ll … fall asleep. You’re the fun mum who hasn’t given up at life yet, however, after a margarita or two it’s curtains. That reminds me: I need to pick up my new ones from Curtain Wonderland.

● Limoncello spritz: Why drink an Aperol spritz when you can brag about your Italian holiday by ordering a limoncello spritz! You’re normally a prosecco drinker but bust out the limoncellos at a restaurant as a flex. And also so you can get properly laced because you’re no longer in Italy and your life is depressing.

● Prosecco: You’re a day drinker. But a good one. You always keep a bottle of Brown Brothers in the fridge to bust out after the school run. Why? Because you know the next two hours will entail whinging kids and working out how to make pesto pasta with three ingredients. “What’s a bottle stopper?” you ask. Everyone laughs but you’re actually serious.

● Red wine: Oh here we go, here comes the spiel about the best red you ever had from an obscure little winery that nobody has, or will ever go to, even though we all know you’ve only got Penfolds in your cellar at home. After your third glass, and your comparison of the steak in France compared to the one you have just eaten, your hands and chest start glowing red as you’re clearly in denial that you’re actually allergic to the stuff. We happily nod along, though, as you’re the person most likely to pick up the tab.

● Bundy and Coke: If invited out to dinner, you wear your good going-out things. Your telly is bigger than your book case. Who am I kidding? You don’t have a book case. Yes, I’m judging you but I also know if there’s ever a threat you’re the most likely to go to war for our country. Respect.

● Bundy and dry: You’re still a bogan but you at least own a pair of lace-up shoes. Which you wore to court last week.

● Scotch: You take pride in your appearance and most likely drive a European car. While you love an intellectual discussion, you will pop off to the bathroom for a line of coke and a swipe on Tinder.

● Scotch and Coke: You’ve attempted to be cool but failed. Scotch is only cool on the rocks or neat. Instead you’ve drowned it in lolly water. Man up.

● Gin and tonic: You like to while the afternoon away nursing a G&T. However, it’s never just one. Instead, you plough through three or four then wonder why you need to have a good cry and fall asleep.

● Strawberry daiquiri: I don’t know why you’re reading this: there’s a P&O Cruises sale on.

● Beer: Thank you for building our houses!

● Craft beer: Thank you for building our architect-designed houses!

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Alcohol-free beer: You’ve reached your mid-40s and your Instagram algorithm has become riddled with heart disease ads. As you look down at your love handles you decide it’s not the calories but rather the 5 per cent alcohol making you fat, so you opt for five boring beers to wash down your Kettle chips.

● Champagne: Congrats on your 18th house sale this year. But could you please leave some money for the rest of us.