a wedge into marriages
WHAT I HATE ABOUT MEN DRIVERS
1 With monstrous arrogance, they think and frequently say they are all better drivers than all women.
2 Men just can’t cop any criticism of their driving ability or inability – it’s a well-known fact that the best way to deeply wound a bloke is to tell him he’s either lousy in bed or he can’t drive (or, in extreme cases, both).
3 They are, irritatingly, by and large, better drivers than women (and to all my steering-wheel-hugging sisters I say, ‘‘Suck this criticism up, girls’’).
4 Men are, when past their driving prime, apparently illequipped to know they’re too old to be out there mixing it on the roads. So that on those occasions when you’re behind a very slow-moving, weaving vehicle and you can’t see the outline of a head above the headrest, you know it’s a bentup, coke-bottle-bottom-glasses-wearing 98-year-old who just won’t turn in his licence*.
5 They drive with their right elbows out the window, with just their pinky hooked on the steering wheel. This is just too elaborately, too show-off-ily casual – not to mention dangerous.
6 They always drive too fast for their ability on dirt roads. You’re not Mikko Hirvonen you know, fellas.
7 Men drive with their Bluetooths ostentatiously jammed in their hairy ears to make it look like they’re popular, in demand, very busy, important people, when really they’re, you know, not.
8 They still shamelessly perv on women (often while engaging in the behaviour detailed in 5 above). Get with the politically correct times, guys.
9 Men fit blow-off valves to their turbochargers not as a performance enhancer, but for the fully sick suck/hiss sound it makes during gear changes. (This is serious wanker behaviour . . . it does sound good, but.)
10 They’re more prone to nasty road rage. Get a grip, fellas, it’s hard, hot work for everyone out there. (* Note, however, that sometimes these slow-moving, weaving vehicles with the apparently absent driver can also have certain other (stereo) types at the helm.)
WHAT I HATE ABOUT WOMEN DRIVERS
1 Women never take my driving advice in the friendly and helpful spirit with which it is given. Consequently, they will never learn to become better drivers.
2 Women never take my direction advice in the friendly and helpful spirit with which it is given. Consequently, they will go the long way, encounter slow traffic, get lost or arrive at their destination a lot later than had they taken my advice in the first place.
3 Women check their mirrors constantly, but never for traffic, only to adjust their make-up or hair.
4 Women either don’t indicate enough or indicate too much, too soon. When changing lanes they indicate before even checking for traffic. At the same time they apply the brakes and look over their shoulders urgently, yet dither about making the manoeuvre because they have spotted someone several hundred metres behind.
5 They don’t plan their drive before setting out and then get lost or make sudden lane-changing moves because they suddenly realise they have arrived at their exit/ turn. They also don’t look far enough ahead while driving to gauge a smooth passage through blocked traffic.
6 Women talk too much while driving, rather than concentrating on the task at hand. Men don’t talk when driving. They rarely even listen, except to the car’s audio system or its macho exhaust system or turbo.
7 Women sit too close to the steering wheel and tense their shoulders. Driving like that makes them nervous and their passengers even more nervous.
8 They never learn all the controls in the car and when it’s time to put on the windscreen wipers, they fidget with the controls and end up switching on the lights. And don’t get me started about cruise control!
9 Women don’t realise that driving is not about the journey. It’s about getting somewhere as quickly as possible.
10 Women don’t drive too slowly, they drive too defensively. Men don’t drive fast, they drive efficiently. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there on the roads, and he who hesitates gets pushed back in the traffic queue.