a wedge into mar­riages

The Courier-Mail - Motoring - - CARSGUIDE - By Mar­garet Wen­ham By Mark Hinch­liffe

WHAT I HATE ABOUT MEN DRIV­ERS

1 With mon­strous ar­ro­gance, they think and fre­quently say they are all bet­ter driv­ers than all women.

2 Men just can’t cop any crit­i­cism of their driv­ing abil­ity or in­abil­ity – it’s a well-known fact that the best way to deeply wound a bloke is to tell him he’s ei­ther lousy in bed or he can’t drive (or, in ex­treme cases, both).

3 They are, ir­ri­tat­ingly, by and large, bet­ter driv­ers than women (and to all my steer­ing-wheel-hug­ging sis­ters I say, ‘‘Suck this crit­i­cism up, girls’’).

4 Men are, when past their driv­ing prime, ap­par­ently ille­quipped to know they’re too old to be out there mix­ing it on the roads. So that on those oc­ca­sions when you’re be­hind a very slow-mov­ing, weav­ing ve­hi­cle and you can’t see the out­line of a head above the head­rest, you know it’s a bentup, coke-bot­tle-bot­tom-glasses-wear­ing 98-year-old who just won’t turn in his li­cence*.

5 They drive with their right el­bows out the win­dow, with just their pinky hooked on the steer­ing wheel. This is just too elab­o­rately, too show-off-ily ca­sual – not to men­tion danger­ous.

6 They al­ways drive too fast for their abil­ity on dirt roads. You’re not Mikko Hir­vo­nen you know, fel­las.

7 Men drive with their Blue­tooths os­ten­ta­tiously jammed in their hairy ears to make it look like they’re pop­u­lar, in de­mand, very busy, im­por­tant peo­ple, when re­ally they’re, you know, not.

8 They still shame­lessly perv on women (of­ten while en­gag­ing in the be­hav­iour detailed in 5 above). Get with the po­lit­i­cally cor­rect times, guys.

9 Men fit blow-off valves to their tur­bocharg­ers not as a per­for­mance en­hancer, but for the fully sick suck/hiss sound it makes dur­ing gear changes. (This is se­ri­ous wanker be­hav­iour . . . it does sound good, but.)

10 They’re more prone to nasty road rage. Get a grip, fel­las, it’s hard, hot work for every­one out there. (* Note, how­ever, that some­times th­ese slow-mov­ing, weav­ing ve­hi­cles with the ap­par­ently ab­sent driver can also have cer­tain other (stereo) types at the helm.)

WHAT I HATE ABOUT WOMEN DRIV­ERS

1 Women never take my driv­ing ad­vice in the friendly and help­ful spirit with which it is given. Con­se­quently, they will never learn to be­come bet­ter driv­ers.

2 Women never take my di­rec­tion ad­vice in the friendly and help­ful spirit with which it is given. Con­se­quently, they will go the long way, en­counter slow traf­fic, get lost or ar­rive at their des­ti­na­tion a lot later than had they taken my ad­vice in the first place.

3 Women check their mir­rors con­stantly, but never for traf­fic, only to ad­just their make-up or hair.

4 Women ei­ther don’t in­di­cate enough or in­di­cate too much, too soon. When chang­ing lanes they in­di­cate be­fore even check­ing for traf­fic. At the same time they ap­ply the brakes and look over their shoul­ders ur­gently, yet dither about mak­ing the ma­noeu­vre be­cause they have spot­ted some­one sev­eral hun­dred me­tres be­hind.

5 They don’t plan their drive be­fore set­ting out and then get lost or make sud­den lane-chang­ing moves be­cause they sud­denly re­alise they have ar­rived at their exit/ turn. They also don’t look far enough ahead while driv­ing to gauge a smooth pas­sage through blocked traf­fic.

6 Women talk too much while driv­ing, rather than con­cen­trat­ing on the task at hand. Men don’t talk when driv­ing. They rarely even lis­ten, ex­cept to the car’s au­dio sys­tem or its ma­cho ex­haust sys­tem or turbo.

7 Women sit too close to the steer­ing wheel and tense their shoul­ders. Driv­ing like that makes them ner­vous and their pas­sen­gers even more ner­vous.

8 They never learn all the con­trols in the car and when it’s time to put on the wind­screen wipers, they fid­get with the con­trols and end up switch­ing on the lights. And don’t get me started about cruise con­trol!

9 Women don’t re­alise that driv­ing is not about the jour­ney. It’s about get­ting some­where as quickly as pos­si­ble.

10 Women don’t drive too slowly, they drive too de­fen­sively. Men don’t drive fast, they drive ef­fi­ciently. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there on the roads, and he who hes­i­tates gets pushed back in the traf­fic queue.

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