SOME LIKE IT HOT

INFORMER’S BEST TIP FOR SUR­VIV­ING SUM­MER? BUY A FAN SO POW­ER­FUL IT KNOCKS THE SOCKS FROM YOUR SAN­DALS

The Gold Coast Bulletin - Gold Coast Eye - - INFORMER - WORDS: MICHAEL JA­COB­SON

Informer is still smart­ing over the sav­age re­sponse to my re­cent rec­tan­gle about the weather. Face­book erupted with an­gry mob­sters declar­ing me a snowflake, wuss, wimp and some­thing that rhymes with soft clock. Then came the irony of a mid­week storm that blew my fence down.

Fur­ther ig­nominy en­sued when my wa­ger of $100 at 25-to-1 went un­re­warded as, yet again, Informer failed to make the Gold Coast Power 100. I felt sure this was my year and still can’t fathom why it isn’t. There are those on the list with far dodgier claims than me.

Still, al­ways one to seek the light among life’s shad­ows, it wasn’t long be­fore I found it — sum­mer. That’s right, sum­mer’s here and the time is right for, if not danc­ing in the street given my knees, then at the very least a cel­e­bra­tion of some kind.

Not that Mrs Informer is a con­vert. She lath­ers herself in so much zinc cream she can be seen from space. It forms a thick white crust we have to crack off with the back of a ta­ble­spoon come March.

Mrs I aside, this sum­mer will ac­tu­ally be 12 days longer for some of us. That’s how much time we Aussie cricket fans won’t be spend­ing in front of the telly thanks to In­dia win­ning each of four test matches in­side two days.

Time was when sum­mer didn’t fill Informer with joy­ful an­tic­i­pa­tion. Re­mem­ber, I’m orig­i­nally from Tas­ma­nia where sum­mer is a Tues­day af­ter­noon some­time in Fe­bru­ary. In the early days of my north­ern ex­po­sure, I could blis­ter just from open­ing the fridge.

It took me years to ac­cli­ma­tise to be­ing a sub-trop­i­cally warmer Informer, but now I’m lap­ping it up as a ver­i­ta­ble boy of sum­mer, as Don Hen­ley didn’t quite sing, and it’s all thanks to learn­ing the les­sons of the sea­son. The first of these is ob­vi­ous.

As much as one is de­lighted to be a big fan of sum­mer, this is not nearly so im­por­tant as hav­ing a big fan for sum­mer. You should see the one I’ve in­stalled for 2018-19. Even on the low­est set­ting it’ll blow your onions back on top of the sausage and turn your brown bread white. Crank this thing up to medium and stand in front of it and it’s just like be­ing in a 1980s rock video. Man, Bon Jovi suck.

Then there’s the les­son about never wear­ing san­dals and socks in pub­lic. It’s the worst look on Earth and Bri­tish men should take par­tic­u­lar note. An­other sum­mer tip cor­rects the mis­guided per­cep­tion that the higher the tem­per­a­ture, the less one should wear.

Frankly, far too many sum­mer days are ru­ined by the sight of peo­ple wan­der­ing about in pub­lic hav­ing packed far too much into far too lit­tle. Be ad­vised, the G string is not an out­fit and nei­ther is the mank­ini, the budgie smug­gler or the tat­too.

I could go on for hours about the tenets of sum­mer — any­one for tenets? — but it’s best just to get out and en­joy it. Some like it hot and Informer is now one of the, um, some.

So to ev­ery­one, in­clud­ing even those read­ers so cruel of late, I have weath­ered your storms and wish you all a splen­did and safe sum­mer.

“RE­MEM­BER, I’M ORIG­I­NALLY FROM TAS­MA­NIA WHERE SUM­MER IS A TUES­DAY AF­TER­NOON SOME­TIME IN FE­BRU­ARY.”

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