SOME LIKE IT HOT
INFORMER’S BEST TIP FOR SURVIVING SUMMER? BUY A FAN SO POWERFUL IT KNOCKS THE SOCKS FROM YOUR SANDALS
Informer is still smarting over the savage response to my recent rectangle about the weather. Facebook erupted with angry mobsters declaring me a snowflake, wuss, wimp and something that rhymes with soft clock. Then came the irony of a midweek storm that blew my fence down.
Further ignominy ensued when my wager of $100 at 25-to-1 went unrewarded as, yet again, Informer failed to make the Gold Coast Power 100. I felt sure this was my year and still can’t fathom why it isn’t. There are those on the list with far dodgier claims than me.
Still, always one to seek the light among life’s shadows, it wasn’t long before I found it — summer. That’s right, summer’s here and the time is right for, if not dancing in the street given my knees, then at the very least a celebration of some kind.
Not that Mrs Informer is a convert. She lathers herself in so much zinc cream she can be seen from space. It forms a thick white crust we have to crack off with the back of a tablespoon come March.
Mrs I aside, this summer will actually be 12 days longer for some of us. That’s how much time we Aussie cricket fans won’t be spending in front of the telly thanks to India winning each of four test matches inside two days.
Time was when summer didn’t fill Informer with joyful anticipation. Remember, I’m originally from Tasmania where summer is a Tuesday afternoon sometime in February. In the early days of my northern exposure, I could blister just from opening the fridge.
It took me years to acclimatise to being a sub-tropically warmer Informer, but now I’m lapping it up as a veritable boy of summer, as Don Henley didn’t quite sing, and it’s all thanks to learning the lessons of the season. The first of these is obvious.
As much as one is delighted to be a big fan of summer, this is not nearly so important as having a big fan for summer. You should see the one I’ve installed for 2018-19. Even on the lowest setting it’ll blow your onions back on top of the sausage and turn your brown bread white. Crank this thing up to medium and stand in front of it and it’s just like being in a 1980s rock video. Man, Bon Jovi suck.
Then there’s the lesson about never wearing sandals and socks in public. It’s the worst look on Earth and British men should take particular note. Another summer tip corrects the misguided perception that the higher the temperature, the less one should wear.
Frankly, far too many summer days are ruined by the sight of people wandering about in public having packed far too much into far too little. Be advised, the G string is not an outfit and neither is the mankini, the budgie smuggler or the tattoo.
I could go on for hours about the tenets of summer — anyone for tenets? — but it’s best just to get out and enjoy it. Some like it hot and Informer is now one of the, um, some.
So to everyone, including even those readers so cruel of late, I have weathered your storms and wish you all a splendid and safe summer.
“REMEMBER, I’M ORIGINALLY FROM TASMANIA WHERE SUMMER IS A TUESDAY AFTERNOON SOMETIME IN FEBRUARY.”